


i'm losing my sleep (please come back now)

by tkreyesevandiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Death, Eventual Happy Ending, Five Stages of Grief, Funerals, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Other, Panic, Panic Attacks, Slight descriptions of dying, There will be a happy ending, Vivid descriptions of after-death procedures, Whump, injury descriptions, maybe not the one you expected, more tags when more chapters come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:46:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21886183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz
Summary: There are a few things you don't see coming in life.For a firefighter that risks his life every day, horrible hypotheticals fly through the mind with each step through a burning building, with each climb up a rafter, with each drop through a crumbling floor.But when one of those hypotheticals becomes a startling reality, what happens to the people left behind?On hold, will not be updated until completely written
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 63
Kudos: 149





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> Now that my finals are over, I can finally write freely! This has been a three week work in progress, along with another AU I'm writing. This is definitely the most angsty thing I have ever written, and despite the fact that most of you are going to hate me, it's the work I'm most proud of xD I couldn't summarize it for the life of me though.
> 
> I don't have a set timing on when I'm going to update the chapters of this fic, but they should be soon? This is definitely going to be a long fic, there are a lot of elements to this story, and hopefully you see the layers as clearly as I do!
> 
> This was beta'd by the amazingly gorgeous @ariquitecontrary who I basically repeatedly annoyed until she looked it over for me so thank you! I love you for putting up with my impatience xD <3 My best friend (who doesn't have an AO3 account) also looked this over for me, so thank you to her too!
> 
> TW: graphic descriptions of injuries, healing process, a hell lot of anxiety/panic, major character death for later in the book, and a whole lot of pain. If I miss anything, please let me know!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Save some heroics for us too, Buckley,” Eddie teased as him and Buck picked their way out of the wreckage to get themselves outside.

Buck barked out a laugh as he adjusted the boy in his arms. They’d cleared out of the building just as they thought everyone had been gone but as they’d been leaving, Buck had heard a chorus of coughing and whimpering. He’d dashed back in, ignoring Hen and Bobby’s shouts behind him. Bobby was probably going to rip him a new one later, but for now, there were more pressing matters. 

True to his “you can have my back any day” personality, Eddie had followed him a split second later, updating Cap on the radio just as they found a boy blocked in by fire creeping up a tapestry in a secluded room, frozen in place as he watched the flames eat away at the wall as if it were nothing.

Buck called out to him but the boy didn’t respond, probably why they didn’t notice him to begin with. There wasn’t enough room for them to bust through to reach him. Him and Eddie worked quickly to break open enough of a gap for Buck to grab the boy just as the wall collapsed around them. He must’ve been in there for a while because he turned into dead weight the second Buck’s arms lifted him up, passing out. 

Eddie checked his pulse before giving Buck an affirmative nod, gesturing for Buck to walk in front of him.

Coughing up soot, the two men were now trying to pick their way around the debris, making sure the floor didn’t collapse on them as the fire raged on. 

“Can’t have the new guy showing me up everywhere,” Buck laughed, shrugging his shoulders. Eddie’s resounding scoff brought a grin to his face.

“It’s been nearly three years, I’m not the new guy anymore.”

“Well you’re newer than me, so you’re still the new guy,” Buck argued, just as they reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Buckley, Diaz, south side of the entrance is blocked, come through the east side.” Chim’s voice filtered through the radio.

“Copy that.” Eddie replied as he tried to push to a pillar out of the way for Buck to go through. Extinguishers were waiting for them to get out so they could douse the entire place in carbon dioxide. Buck carefully maneuvered the boy through the hole that Eddie had made, breathing the cooler outside air. 

The relief was short-lived.

Just as he set the unconscious boy down on the ground near the paramedics waiting a distance from the house, a terror-filled scream of Eddie’s name followed. 

Buck whirled around to find that it was Bobby who yelled, and now was sprinting across to where the other firefighter’s turnout coat had gotten stuck somewhere between the wall and the pillar as he tried to escape the burning house that Buck had just freed himself from. Eddie was stuck somewhere in there.

Without stopping to think about the fire that was still raging, Buck dashed forth as well but both Bobby and Buck were forced to recoil back just as the flames ate away at the house’s foundation, bringing the whole east wall down.

Right on top of Eddie.

“Eddie!” Buck yelled and broke out of Bobby’s hold, frantically looking for his partner. Bobby barked out orders into his headset for extra dispatch just as Chimney and Hen started helping him move the large pieces of the wall that Eddie was trapped under. Bobby joined them a few minutes later. All four firefighters worked wildly, their usual calm and order vanishing at the threat to one of their own. They called Eddie’s name multiple times, hoping for even a slight sound to signal that he was conscious. 

It didn’t come.

His helmet was lying haphazard elsewhere, a large crack at the top of it. Buck’s heart stopped, because that meant it was possible that Eddie had sustained a blow to the head.

“Possible head injury for Diaz,” Buck called out, his voice cracking with panic. He now worked even more feverishly to peel away all the cement pieces. He buried all his fear and locked it up so he could focus on just getting Eddie out of the rubble. The fire had miraculously stayed away from the pieces that’d just fallen down on him, but the cement was still hot to the touch.

They’d already moved enough that Eddie’s head could be seen. Buck tried not to look at him so he wouldn’t break down on-site but he’d already taken account of the deep gash on his forehead.

Finally, after him and Chimney pulled one particularly large pillar off, they managed to uncover Eddie’s torso. Chim fastened a neck stabilizer while Buck and Bobby worked to pull Eddie’s lower body free. Hen was already checking pulse and blood pressure as they rolled him onto the backboard.

“Multiple injuries and possible fracture. Burns also present. Low blood pressure and pulse is dropping. It looks like he definitely has a head injury. We need to get to a hospital right now,” she assessed immediately.

They wasted no time getting Eddie into the ambulance that’d just arrived. Buck climbed in with Chim, his hand automatically finding Eddie’s as Chim inserted an IV and attached pulse monitors. Hen was in the front while Bobby worked with the other station to get the fire put out after strict instructions to keep him updated with every bit of news that they get on Eddie’s condition.

It was then that Buck took a better look at Eddie. Soot and dust coated his skin, and blood painted the right side of his face in vivid red from the gash that ran from the edge of his brow bone to the middle of his forehead. The matted blood in his hair proved that there was probably a sensitive injury there too. Palpitation of his head proved a bump present on the side of his head. As Chim and Buck uncovered the turnout coat that had caused all of this and cut away at the shirt, they saw multiple discolorations on his torso. He probably had fractured at least one rib as well. Not to mention shallow breathing and unconsciousness.

“Fuck,” Buck whispered, eyes filling at the amount of pain Eddie must be feeling. Panic struck him but he swallowed it down, trying to keep his vision from hazing over.

They arrived at the hospital in record time, breaking through the emergency room doors in a flurry of shouts and medical terms. Buck watched fearfully as the nurses rolled him into the operating room almost instantly after triage.

_Please, please let him be okay._

* * *

Cerebral contusion, two fractured ribs, a sprained wrist and ankle and multiple cuts and bruises. There were also a few first- and second- degree burns from the heat of the wall, but ironically, it had been the turnout coat that saved him from deeper burns.

The fractured ribs had led to a hemothorax, which was why he’d been taken into surgery. They had to insert a tube to drain the blood from his pleural cavity, something that took a heart-pounding 45 minutes. After that, they'd taken multiple scans of his brain to image the injury, finding a swelling within the scan that could prove to be dangerous. The doctors were going to keep Eddie in the hospital under observation for the brain injury and hemothorax, and to let him rest up.

“What’s a cerebral contusion?” Buck asked Chim, after the doctor had gone. “Did he mean concussion?”

“No. Concussions are like milder forms of the brain injuries. A cerebral contusion is a more severe type where tiny vessels burst, just like when you get a bruise somewhere else. The blood leaks into the brain tissue and it can be pretty serious.”

“But he’ll be okay, right?” Chim paused to look at Buck. His eyes were wide with some bone-deep fear, and Chim didn’t know what to tell him. This sort of a brain injury was dangerous, and could lead to a thousand different things.

“I think so. I couldn’t tell you, Buck. The brain is a fickle thing. I’m not an expert.” Buck exhaled harshly, looking through the window at Eddie’s figure lying comatose against the white sheets. Hen told them that she was going to call Bobby and let him know.

Chim watched Buck for a while, observing the array of expressions that crossed the younger man’s face. The type of love in his face was the same type of love-fear hybrid that he saw whenever someone’s significant other was injured. It was the same way Karen looked at Hen, or Bobby and Athena looked at each other. It was how he looked at Maddie and what he now recognized was how Maddie looked at him.

He didn’t know what the two men were doing, but he did know that they weren’t together, each too scared of what would happen if they made a move. Now, watching Buck stare at Eddie through the window as if he could heal him with his own willpower, Chimney feared that Buck may never get the chance to say anything.

“Tell him, Buck.” He couldn’t stop himself from placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder to offer the advice.

“Tell him what?” Buck feigned confusion but Chimney knew him too well. He simply raised an eyebrow, causing Buck’s shoulders to slump. “I’m too scared of losing him and Christopher; I need them in my life.” He paused, seemingly about to say something but thinking better of it. 

“It’s not the right time to talk about all this anyway, not with the amount of injuries he has and the amount of resting he needs to do.” Buck brushed it off, folding his arms across his uniform to hold himself together. His knuckles turned white as he wrapped a hand around each opposite arm.

Chimney secretly marveled over how far Buck really had come from the punk that didn’t take anything seriously. He’d matured _years_ in just a short amount of time and he didn’t even realize how much more responsible and dependable he really was.

“We’re the ones that make a moment right. That’s on us,” Chimney told him. “If you keep waiting, you may never get the right moment.”

Buck hummed in response but didn’t say anything. Chimney hoped that he’d take the advice. Hen came back and gave Chimney a confused look, probably sensing Buck contemplating something hard. Chim shrugged at her.

“Buck, someone should probably let Eddie’s abuela know,” Hen said.

“Will the hospital have already called her? As his emergency contact?”

“No, I’m his emergency contact so they wouldn’t have called anyone. I’ll call her and let her know.” Buck turned towards them, pulling his phone out of his pocket as he stepped outside. Chim and Hen watched him go.

“What were you two talking about?”

“Buck’s feelings. I just…” Chim tried to formulate what he feared. “A cerebral contusion isn’t a joke. There’s a high mortality rate to it, which I obviously didn’t tell Buck but if something did happen, Buck would live the rest of his life regretting that he didn’t say anything to Eddie.” They both knew that Buck would research the hell out of every single possibility to prepare himself to take care of Eddie, and he’d find out every known detail about traumatic brain injuries known to mankind. 

“You told him to take the plunge and confess?” Hen cocked her head at him, her expression grave. Neither of the two liked thinking about the possibility of losing one of their own, but they both understood that loss was a part of life, but there were just some regrets that one never truly overcomes. 

That absolutely didn’t mean that it wasn’t killing them to see Eddie on that bed, because Eddie was one of their best friends, but at the end of the day, Buck would take it a lot harder than anyone else from the 118.

“Yeah. The two of them give me secondhand embarrassment with how many times they’ve _just_ missed the window of opportunity,” Chim snorted, remembering the scene at the grocery store. “He said that this wasn’t the right time but I’d remembered that you once told me that there wasn’t a such thing as a perfect moment. Which is what I told him.”

“Because there isn’t. Perfect moments don’t exist. We could spend our entire lives waiting for some idea of what we think ‘the perfect moment’ is and never get it. There may be situations where it’s not ideal to start something new, but at least the intention is out there,” Hen shrugged, smiling softly at him. “I remember that conversation, it was about Maddie, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Chim laughed lightly. “We weren’t in a good place to start anything but at least we both knew that it was something we wanted. Eddie and Buck just need to do the same thing.”

A flutter of movement caught his eye. It was Eddie stirring from his sleep, weakly waving a hand over to them. “Look, Eddie’s waking up.”

“I’ll get the nurse, go get Buck,” Hen instructed before moving to the nurse’s station.

“Buck.” Chim left the hallway to go to the waiting room, where Buck was quietly speaking into the phone. He mouthed the words “Eddie’s awake” to him.

“Eddie’s just woken up, so I’ll go see him and call you back. They only let two visitors at once while a patient is under observation, so once we’re finished here, I’ll pick you and Christopher up so you can see him.” He was still talking to Eddie’s grandmother, relaying comfort that Chim knew that Buck didn’t have. 

Chim felt a quiet burst of pride take form in his heart, a fondness for the younger man that only increased after him and Maddie started dating. Maddie had told him stories of Buck as a mischievous kid, but as much as him and Buck liked to pull each other’s legs, Chim had to admit that his most endearing quality was that Buck gave everything his all. He never did anything half-assedly.

Buck had already given everything he had to Eddie. Hopefully, he’d take a chance too.

* * *

Buck stood to his full height, walking side-by-side with Chim. Isabel’s words turned over in his mind.

 _“_ Mijo, _I do not have to worry about Eddie when you’re there. I know you try your best to keep my grandson safe, and with you there, it eases a little of the apprehension I have about the dangers of his job. The rest is in God’s hands, so don’t blame yourself. Just do what you can.”_

Her words lifted a part of the weight of guilt that Buck hadn’t even known he’d been carrying. 

It wasn’t as if Eddie had pushed Buck out of the way of the destruction. It was simply a matter of chance for the thick material of his turnout coat to get pinned, for Eddie to not be able to yank it free, and not being able to get out in time. If he’d taken it off, he would’ve had to bare his skin to the blaze of the fire behind him.

But that didn’t mean that Buck shouldn’t have been watching. 

He stopped that line of thinking immediately, not wanting guilt to show on his expression. Conscious or not, Eddie would spot it from miles away. 

The doctor was just leaving the room with his entourage of nurses when Buck and Chim approached. “I know that the standard policy says only two visitors, but all three of you can go in right now, just because Eddie’s been asking for both of you too.”

“Thanks, Doc,” Chim said. Buck nodded in appreciation before stepping into the room after Chimney. The sight of a bruised and bandaged Eddie lying against the sheets rocked him to his core, pinning him to the floor. 

A large bandage covered Eddie’s forehead and wrist. His ankle was propped up slightly, another white bandage wrapped around the tan skin. An IV drip pumped fluid and blood into him and from what Buck could predict, there was a larger compression band around his ribs underneath the hospital gown. A nasal cannula looped behind his ears to provide him with oxygen but even with all the tubes and wires, he was awake and laughing with Hen and Chimney. 

Relief almost knocked him onto his ass, all the anxiety and panic draining out of him. Buck channeled his focus to the steady _beep, beep_ of the heart monitor, silently thanking whoever was listening that Eddie was stable.

Eddie’s tired eyes found Buck’s, something hidden in them. He gave Buck a faint lopsided smile that knocked the wind out of him. 

“You sure know how to scare someone, Diaz.” Buck managed to say _something_ , going for a lighthearted approach. The lump in his throat made his words come out strangled. Eddie laughed softly before speaking in a low voice.

“Don’t call me Diaz.”

Despite himself, Buck rolled his eyes and came closer to Eddie’s bed, standing awkwardly. Chimney’s words now took precedence in his mind as his heart pounded with the possibility of him confessing to Eddie right there and then.

“We’ve got to get back to the station, but Buck will be here with you.” Hen was saying when Buck tuned back into the conversation. “Bobby gave him the day off. Him and Athena are probably going to stop by later to see you too.”

“Wait, why do I get the day off?” Buck was confused. He didn’t question his captain’s orders, but they were already a man down. He would’ve thought that Bobby needed all hands on deck.

Hen turned to give him an incredulous look that had him flushing red down to his toes. “Cap knows that your mind is just going to be here the entire time. It’s a liability.”

Chim barked out a laugh as he stood up and turned to Buck. His knowing grin and hopeful expression had Buck narrowing his eyes at him. 

“I’m getting sick of that word but you’re right.” Buck waved it off, plopping down into the recently vacated chair. The two paramedics laughed before saying goodbye and walking out, Chim winking at Buck on his way out.

“Idiot,” Buck muttered under his breath, knowing that he was right anyway. Eddie had closed his eyes and was resting back against the pillows.

Buck took the opportunity to just scan him thoroughly, mentally logging all the injuries in his mind. He started to work out a rough plan on how to take care of Eddie after discharge; how to rearrange shifts and get Carla to be able to watch both Eddie and Christopher when he couldn't be there.

Buck hadn’t realized how long he’d been staring at Eddie until he heard his hoarse voice.

* * *

“Take a picture instead, it'll last longer.” Eddie peeled his eyes open to look at his partner, feeling Buck’s concerned gaze all over him. His head was pounding and nausea burned in his gut. His chest felt like it was burning, and despite the supplementary oxygen, Eddie felt like he wasn’t getting enough air. The blood being transfused into him left an aching soreness around the point of entry of the IV needle. Despite the soothing cream applied to the burns, there was still a residual sting that felt like he’d just been put through the wringer. 

Buck didn’t answer him, looking like he was choking on an invisible noose of words and apologies. Eddie fought the lethargy in his body to lift a sluggish arm towards his partner. Buck took his hand immediately, scooting closer to look at Eddie worriedly.

“I’m okay, Evan.” The use of his first name had Buck closing his eyes, finally letting out the tears that he’d been fighting ever since he’d stepped through the door. Eddie may have been only half-awake but he knew Buck. He was well-acquainted with how Buck was feeling, seeing how many times Buck had landed himself into the hospital. “This isn’t your fault.”

“You almost weren’t,” Buck whispered against the back of his hand, right where the IV was. His breath ghosted across the burning skin, soothing it ever-so-slightly. Eddie gave a weak squeeze in response, closing his eyes. The light of the room was sending bursts of pain into his brain, flashes that pressed against his skull. He sensed Buck straighten and forced his heavy eyelids open again.

“Eddie, I-” Eddie watched Buck struggle for words, but he already knew what Buck was about to say. He’d seen the twin encouraging-apprehensive look Chimney and Buck had exchanged, even through the fog of fatigue. And if he was honest to himself, him and Buck had been dancing around this far too long.

“Come here.” Eddie urged him to stand up near him, forcing his limbs to work just this once. Lifting his arm, he curled it around the back of Buck’s bicep and tugged him closer, bringing their lips together.

It was a gentle kiss, Eddie not having energy for anything else, but it said everything they both had been trying to say. Eddie finally felt the squeeze on his heart loosen as the world righted itself again.

“We’ll talk about it later, but for now, let this be enough,” Eddie whispered against his lips, stealing one last kiss before settling back into the pillows. Buck cupped Eddie’s face in his large hands, running a gentle thumb across a scratch.

“Thank you.” The quiet words washed over Eddie soothingly. He smiled and rested his head back again. A thought seemingly came from out of nowhere.

“The pain doesn’t seem all that bad anymore,” Eddie croaked out. “Now that you’re here.”

“As much as I’d like to take credit for it, that’s probably the morphine.” Buck’s voice came out amused but Eddie heard the relief in it as cold fingers ghosted across the edge of the bandage on his forehead. Buck got up to dim the lights even further. “I called your Abuela already, I’m going to go pick her and Christopher up in the evening so they can see you.”

“Did you tell her everything the doctor said?” 

“Not really, I didn’t know what all those words meant, so I stuck to just telling her that it was an accident at work, and you broke a few things, and that they’re keeping you under observation for a while.”

Eddie breathed a sigh of relief. As an army medic, he was trained in how to deal with traumatic brain injuries, and he knew the ins and outs of cerebral contusions and head injuries. While this wasn’t something he was going to explicitly state to Buck, he knew that there was a pretty big chance that he wouldn’t live to see the world outside the hospital anymore. 

Not that all TIB cases meant death. With proper care, there was a good survival rate but the doctor had told him that the leakage in his brain was somewhere that they couldn’t easily reach, so they couldn’t ease the pressure with surgery. That meant that the most sensitive parts of his brain were exposed to blood and fluid that had no business being there. Slowly, the pressure in his skull would increase. Coupled with all the other injuries he’d gotten, and that made his case a very poor one.

He couldn’t remember anything about the entire scene that landed him in here, no matter how much he tried to. He couldn’t remember the call that had ended up with him in the hospital, but he did remember dropping Christopher off with Abuela in the morning. When he told the doctor this, he had said that memory loss was common with moderate brain injuries. 

Thankfully, Eddie hadn’t lost any of his other cognitive functions.

It wasn’t all of this that had Eddie thinking that he wouldn’t make it. He knew he was dying, because he could feel it. Not physically, but a spiritual tug of sorts, an instinctual gut feeling. Almost as if his ethereal tether to this life was about to snap. It was one of those things that his Abuela would understand, one of those things Eddie always teased her for saying but had believed in it as well. 

Eddie hated feeling like this, knowing that he’d shatter everyone around him, especially his son, but he trusted his gut. He could fight it for days or weeks on end, but ultimately, he knew that his lifespan had just drastically shortened.

“You know the severity of this, don’t you. You already know what’s going to happen.” It wasn’t a question. There was a desperate tinge to Buck’s voice, a plea hidden in there.

Eddie stayed silent, not wanting to aggravate it any further. 

“You’re getting out of here alive, Eddie,” Buck stated, almost desolate. “You have to.”

“Buck, it’s okay, let’s not count our chickens before they hatch.” Eddie shut down the conversation as gently as he could manage. He couldn’t handle thinking about it right now. “I’m going to sleep for a little bit, before the nurse comes to wake me up.” 

It was a terrible thing to do; to let Buck hold onto his hope so strongly. But Eddie figured that if Buck was so adamant on getting him out here alive, then the least Eddie could do was fight as best as he could.

For Buck and for Christopher.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm so very grateful for all of you that decided to read this fic, even knowing that it's an MCD fic! Thank you so much for my support, you're the reason I get through my days! <3 Nothing like a sad chapter to start this year off! (sorry :( i love you guys) I just wanted to get this posted before my flight in a couple of hours
> 
> This chapter, as a warning, will include an experience of dying (not very vividly, though). This warning is not meant to be a spoiler, but I don't want anyone to be triggered. This is a very sad and painful chapter, but there are a few happy moments along the way! Please, be safe and careful. And let me know if there's something I should include as a trigger warning!
> 
> I love all of you for supporting this fic, and hope to see more love on more chapters! Happy New Year!

Hospital meatloaf, as Christopher had eloquently put it, was disgusting.

Christopher laughed at the face Eddie pulled as he pushed the food away. He mock-scowled at his son, who was seated right next to him on the bed. Abuela had taken the chair and was now watching Eddie and Christopher joke around about the quality of hospital food.

“What’s so funny?”

“I told you not to eat the meatloaf,” Christopher said, smug that he’d usurped his father in something. Eddie smiled at him, his heart aching so bad at his son’s happy smile.

“I regret not listening to you now.” Eddie gave an exaggerated shudder, instantly regretting the move as his ribs flared up and stabs of pain attacked his head. He bit his lip to hide the whine of pain threatening to escape, while Abuela glared at him, seeing right past the facade. Christopher gave him a concerned look anyway, patting his side in an attempt to ease the pain a little.

It’d been a couple of days since he’d been admitted to the hospital, and while most of his bruises and aches had begun to heal over, his brain still felt like a heavy weight in his head, putting pressure on a point he couldn’t place or reach. It was like an itch under your skin that you couldn't scratch at. The swelling had increased, just like a typical bruise.

“You need to get out of the hospital so we can get you some real food,” Abuela said, the words dimming Eddie’s smile. Her eyebrows furrowed at the look on Eddie’s face but thankfully, she didn’t say anything in front of Christopher. “They wouldn’t let me bring anything in here.”

Christopher had sobbed for half an hour after he saw Eddie hooked up to all those scary machines before Buck had sat down and explained what each one did, courtesy of his research. Once he understood that all the machines were monitoring him, not keeping him alive, he finally managed to calm down.

Just another example of what had made him fall so hard for Buck in the first place. He and Christopher had such a natural relationship with each other, that sometimes, Eddie had a hard time remembering that there really had been a time where Buck _hadn’t_ been a part of their lives.

It was the same with Chris too. All the “my family” posters and drawings he brought back home included three figures instead of the previous two, the third being a familiar blond with an interesting birthmark. Eddie wasn’t surprised, nor did he argue with that assessment. It was true and his son, like usual, figured it out way before he did.

The man in question was currently waiting outside, since they only allowed two people in the ward. Dr. Leon had given him the green light anyway, because he had an apparent soft spot for first responders. Eddie thought that it was pushing the boundaries of legality a little but he wasn’t complaining if it meant that he could have his entire family in the room with him.

Buck himself had declined the offer, saying that Eddie needed to spend time with his family without an outsider interrupting. Eddie had wanted to scream that Buck _was_ his family, that it was incomplete without him there, that he wasn’t an outsider. 

The fragile look in Buck’s eye had him hesitant to say anything, realizing that Buck probably needed a minute to himself. He’d been at the hospital with Eddie for the past two days constantly. He was there when they rolled Eddie in for CT scans and MRIs, waiting as close as he possibly could to Eddie. He was there when the nurses put in a new sterile needle, wincing every time he saw the point pierce Eddie’s skin. His Buck, who looked as if he felt every one of Eddie’s aches, sores, pinches, _pain_ as if it were in his own body. 

He’d left _one time_ because Maddie had bodily thrown him out of the hospital to shower and change out of the uniform, but other than that, Buck had been a constant presence at the hospital, monitoring him closely as if he didn’t trust the machines and nurses and doctors to do their jobs. Buck had retaliated by bringing an overnight bag full of a change of clothes with him, smirking at Maddie when he waltzed back in a mere 45 minutes later.

Seeing Buck there only intensified the emotional pain Eddie was putting himself through. Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about his own death, it seeming so apparent to him. Having Buck there meant that Buck had to see him like that. Buck was watching him die, and he didn’t even know it. 

It meant that Eddie was privy to Buck staying up, sitting at the far corner of the bed as he jotted down notes and diagrams into a notebook from his phone. It was him researching and learning more about contusions, the risks associated with them, the medicine they were giving him, how to take care of someone with a brain injury. Eddie didn’t need to tell him anything; that notebook told Buck everything.

Eddie felt like his heart was shredding into a million pieces at how desperate Buck seemed. Eddie was so in love with the younger man that he cursed his fate over and over again as he brushed a gentle hand through Buck’s hair whenever he stirred to the younger man looking everything up. 

And like clockwork, the crease between Buck’s eyebrows would fade as a joyful mask dropped over his desperate expression. He’d turn to Eddie, closing the notebook and pushing it out of reach to concentrate on Eddie. Every single thing Buck did was _for_ Eddie, and the older man didn’t know how to appreciate him for it. 

Eddie would lift an arm to caress the angles of Buck’s face, trying to memorize everything about the younger man and burn Buck’s image into his soul; right alongside Christopher’s. Buck, in turn, would nip at his fingers playfully before folding Eddie’s one hand into two of his own, pressing loving kisses against the knuckles as if he knew what Eddie was trying to do. His stormy eyes would darken slightly, and sometimes, they filled up with tears too. Even as the younger man tried to hide it from him.

These weren’t the new memories he wanted to make with Buck, but he’d take what he could get. 

“Hey bud, why don’t you go with Buck to grab a snack? Tell him that I said to take you to Taco Bell or something for lunch,” Eddie told his son, wanting to talk to his grandmother without Christopher or Buck overhearing anything. Christopher lit up with the sound of Buck’s name and his favourite fast food, and clambered down from the bed with Abuela’s help to go meet his favourite person in the entire world. Eddie watched with an unabashed smile as his son went to the man they trusted the most, with everything in them.

Buck popped his head in the door to confirm that Eddie was okay, before snagging Eddie’s wallet, throwing a wink at him and a beaming smile at Abuela as he left. Eddie rolled his eyes, fondness taking perch in the part of his heart and soul reserved for Buck. He knew that Buck had only taken his wallet for show.

“What was that look about? The one you had on your face when I talked about you getting out of the hospital?” Abuela looked at him suspiciously, taking his hand. Eddie held onto it like a lifeline, forcing his mouth to form the words.

“Do you remember that interpretation we used to talk about? What people see or feel right before they’re about to die?” 

“Edmundo-” Abuela’s face looked stricken, face paling as she filled in the blanks on her own. Eddie’s eyes dropped to her frail hand in his own.

“Abuela, I can feel something tugging at me, almost as if it’s urging me to come. Almost as if my time on Earth is over. And with all these injuries and the trauma to my brain, I don’t know if I’ll ever leave this hospital. I don’t even remember how I got here, and I’m not sure I want to know.”

“There is always a chance, _mijo_.” Abuela begged him, splintering Eddie’s heart. “We have to fight for this, you can not give up now.”

“I know, but the alternative is also a possibility. I’m not telling you this because I’m giving up on trying to get better. I _am_ fighting for this life. Do you think I want to leave Christopher? Leave you or Buck? Leave the 118?” Eddie paused, trying to breath through a sudden stab of pain through his head. A hand came up to cradle his head as he tried to lean back to alleviate some of the weight. “I don’t want to die, but at the same token, my gut isn’t usually wrong.”

“Edmundo,” Abuela sobbed quietly, bending her head down to touch her forehead to their hands.

A few tears slipped free from Eddie’s eyes too. He never meant to put his family through this turmoil, but what else was he supposed to do?

“What will you do about Christopher?” His grandmother wiped her face, trying to appear strong in front of him. His throat felt dry.

“I want Buck to adopt him. He’s the only one I can trust with my son, the only one that would fight to the death for him,” Eddie said it almost like it was obvious. “I already have a will Abuela, everything is in there.”

“Were you anticipating this?” she asked quietly. Eddie shook his head lightly.

“No, the will was prepared way before this. I made one because I needed to know that if something were to happen to me, Christopher would be okay.”

“That boy is not going to be okay without you, Eddie. You know this.” 

Guilt and pain warred inside him. “I know, but I also know that with you, Tía and the rest of the 118, he’ll be okay. I hate that I’m going to put him through the same thing he went through so many times with Shannon, but if it comes to that, I want to be prepared.”

“Have you talked to Buck about it?” Eddie leaned back, closing his eyes. 

“We’ve talked briefly about this a few months ago, I’m not sure what to say now. I asked him once after a really bad call, that if something were to happen to me if he’d take Christopher in. Buck hadn’t hesitated to say yes before he slapped me upside the head for even thinking about it,” Eddie chuckled softly at the memory, a tear falling from his eye. “We were supposed to talk about _us_ after I got out of the hospital, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Then talk about it now,” Abuela offered, squeezing his hand.

“It’s not that easy. I haven’t told him about this gut feeling I have, because it’s not fair to put him through that right now. To start something only for it to end the very next day.” He could feel the weight of Abuela’s disapproving glare on him, but he kept his eyes closed. “I will let him know somehow, but he deserves much more than a dying confession. Those don’t count anyway.”

An idea from a few months ago occurred to him just then, one that had been nestled in the back of his mind.

“Abuela, when you come tomorrow, could you bring my army uniform with you?” he asked. Abuela nodded at him. Eddie picked up his phone and asked Buck to pick up a legal pad and a box of envelopes for him.

After receiving an affirmative, Eddie relaxed into the pillow, thinking everything over. Him and Abuela picked up a lighter conversation, but he knew that the weight of what Eddie had just told her would be heavy on her. 

“I’m sorry, Abuela.” Eddie couldn’t resist saying as he gave into the pull of sleep. The last thing he felt was the brush of a motherly touch over his bandaged forehead as he succumbed to a blissful reprieve.

* * *

Day three was uneventful, just an endless line of visitors. Tía had come by that day and reminded him to call his parents. Eddie hadn’t particularly wanted to, not even as he was lying at death’s door.

His relationship with his parents had always been pretty distant, even as a child. It didn’t mean he didn’t have a good childhood; his parents loved him and provided him and his sisters with everything they could. They were proud of all their achievements, even if they hadn’t supported them, like Eddie’s deployment or his firefighting. But all of them, especially Eddie, were raised to tamp down on showing emotions, and were used to being kept at a distance. His dad and uncles had drilled into his head that men should keep all their emotions locked up tight. 

That meant that Eddie was always hesitant to share anything with them. Their relationship soured further once Eddie made the decision to leave Texas, and only strained more after he refused to go back to El Paso after Shannon died. There was an unbridgeable gap.

Christopher was the one that taught Eddie how wrong that sort of thinking was, because he didn’t want to raise his son like that. He wanted to be the first person his son thought of in any crisis. Not in the Dad’s-going-to-kill-me way, but in the I-need-to-call-Dad way. 

Christopher wore his heart on his sleeve, and was so eager to share everything with the people around him. That’s when Eddie felt the most pride in his ability to be a parent; he had definitely fucked up a time or twenty, but ultimately, he’d shown Christopher that it was okay to _feel_ things, to talk to his father about anything. And with him at his impressionable age, it was important to raise a kid without any of that toxic masculinity that his parents seemed so determined to drill into all their grandchildren.

“Do you need us there?” his father asked in that same tone of his. The one that screamed of indifference but faked concern. It made Eddie feel five years old instead of thirty. Abuela rolled her eyes, probably overhearing her son in the silence of the room. Clearly, his parents didn’t understand how serious his injuries were and Eddie wasn’t about to give himself or his family a migraine trying to explain it all to them.

“I don’t _need_ you here, I have my entire team, Abuela, Tía here with me. I just thought to let you know what’s going on.” The words were a lie, but his father’s tone grated at him. The forced concern made him want to throw his phone against the wall. He wanted his parents to care enough to be on the first flight out, whether Eddie said he needed them or not. “You don’t have to come, but it would be nice.”

“I have meetings for the next three days, but we may be able to drive out after that. Your mother’s looking up flights but it seems they’re completely booked.” The faint pitter-patter of a keyboard filtered through the phone’s speaker. 

Tía Josephine opened her mouth with a familiar look; she was about to tear his dad a new one. Eddie quickly shushed her, and answered back. “That’s fine. The nurse is here, I need to go.”

“Take care, Eddie,” his mother chimed in from the back. They said their goodbyes and Eddie hung up, whooshing a sigh of relief, then immediately feeling bad about it.

“Why didn’t you tell them what you told us?” Abuela asked.

“Because I didn’t want to guilt trip them into coming here just because I might die,” Eddie snorted, his tone far too casual. It did bother him, and it annoyed him that his parents chose to keep their kids at a distance.

Tía and Abuela gave him twin glares just as the nurse came in. He smiled at the three of them as he changed the now-empty IV. Eddie winced as he felt the liquid start entering his bloodstream again.

“Any pain today?” Marco asked, pulling up Eddie’s record on the computer. Eddie dutifully told him all that he could, while sneaking in glances at his grandmother and aunt’s pinched faces, regret burning low in his stomach.

“Head is definitely feeling heavier today, but the nausea has eased back a little. My chest doesn’t hurt as much, neither does my wrist or ankle, but I know that I’m bleeding through my bandages.” Marco grinned at Eddie’s wry quip. 

“That’s good! I’ll let Dr. Leon know about the pain, he’s about to make his round to you anyway. But as for now, I can change the bandages so they’re clean.”

“We’re not leaving,” Tía said in her signature no-nonsense tone, before Marco could even ask. The nurse shot Eddie a surprised glance, but shrugged in an affirmative gesture.

“Okay, no worries.” Marco gloved up and redressed the bandages on his torso quickly, throwing the bloody gauze away. He’d just started to open the bandage on Eddie’s forehead when Buck came into the room, holding a book that Eddie instantly recognized to be his favorite novel. His heart warmed at the gesture.

“Oh hey Marco,” Buck greeted the nurse as he planted a quick kiss on both Abuela and Tía’s cheeks. Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed, wondering when Buck had gotten so familiar with his nurse.

“Hi Buck, back again?” Marco teased, taking the last of the bandage off. Buck’s eyes stayed on Eddie’s as a concerned look overtook his expression. His eyes swirled with guilt and fear, and Eddie looked back steadily at him, trying to convey that nothing about this was his fault. His voice stayed light as he spoke to Marco.

“You know how it goes.” The words were vague, but the way Marco laughed had Eddie thinking that there was some inside joke there. A small kinder of jealousy flared up in him but Eddie stomped it down as quick as the rush came. This was literally the worst time to be feeling jealous.

It was amazing how much fresher he felt with the new gauze secured tightly around his head. There was definitely a nasty scar there, but at least it could be hidden by the white tape.

Marco smiled at all of them before rushing off to another patient. Buck plopped down on the end of Eddie’s bed, starting up a conversation with his aunt.

Eddie looked at his profile for a while, indulging himself by drinking in all of Buck’s contagious laughter. His dimple deepened as him and Tía laughed back and forth about something. 

_I love this man so much._

Eddie didn’t realize his eyes were wet until he felt Abuela’s hand on his arm. He flinched and turned his head to look at her, eyes wide with unfallen tears. 

“What is it? Is something hurting? Did Marco do something? Should I call Dr. Leon?” Buck shot straight up to lean over Eddie, panicked at the tears in Eddie’s eyes.

Despite himself, Eddie chuckled at Buck’s overprotective mode, wiping at his eyes. “No, I’m okay. Sit down, tell me about today’s shift.”

Buck looked at him for a little bit, almost as if he couldn’t believe him, but didn’t know the words to ask anything else. 

As Buck launched into a tale of a bunch of women hoarding twenty monkeys, Eddie couldn’t help but think that this was the type of hurt that no one could fix.

* * *

The fourth and fifth days in the hospital were quite possibly the worst days of Eddie’s life.

His head was killing him with the high amount of intracranial pressure, his vision spotting in and out. Doctors were fluttering around to inject him with medicine that was supposed to bring the swelling down. It didn’t seem to be working, seeing how many times they’d switched the medicine. They’d taken the nasal cannula out, seeing that Eddie could breathe well enough on his own, but the pain was so great that they’d had to increase his dosage of pain medicine as well.

The lights had been dimmed completely in the room, only a small table lamp lit near the bedside. Still, that didn’t stop his head from spinning violently. Eddie must’ve emptied the contents of his stomach into the emesis bin next to him at least ten times before noon itself. Most of the time it was just dry heaving, but it left Eddie feeling worse and worse.

Eddie had refused any visitors except Buck after that, because there was no way he was letting his son know or look at him like this. Buck had glared at him with betrayal when Eddie had tried to tell him not to come back either, so he’d given the fight up. 

He wanted Buck with him; things didn’t seem so bad when he was close.

It was a selfish thought, Eddie mused to himself as he wrote the letters he wanted to leave everyone. Buck’s and Christopher’s letters were going to be the longest, for sure. Focusing on the paper was difficult, but he had to write them. Hands and fingers shaking, Eddie penned down every single thought he’d had, the handwriting legible but foreign to his own eyes.

Abuela had brought his uniform to him on the next day that she’d visited, and Eddie rifled through the pockets until he’d found what he was looking for. Abuela had taken one glance at the object in his hand before excusing herself from the room. Eddie had seen the thick sheen of tears in her eyes and it punched the breath out of him.

Through the blinds of the room, he could see Buck jump up from his perch on the hospital chair, enfolding his grandmother into a large hug. There was confusion in the lines of his expression as to why Abuela was crying so hard, but he kept murmuring words of comfort as he peeked into the room to make sure nothing had happened to Eddie. 

Eddie’s pen paused, the scratch of the nib dissipating as he stared at the picture they made. His own eyes filled with tears as he watched the woman who’d remained so strong in front of every adversity break down in his best friend’s arms. He hated that he was the cause.

When Eddie had enlisted, his parents had been sorely against him going into the Army. They had fought him at every turn, saying that they couldn’t watch their son walk off to a war and not know if he was alright. Ironically enough, they couldn’t come to see if he was alright now either.

It had been Abuela who had stood strong and seen Eddie off to his deployment. Neither his parents nor Shannon had shown up. Only Abuela and one of his sisters were there, both of which had flown in from different parts of the country just to make sure he knew that he wasn't alone. His other sister had been pregnant so she couldn't fly in but she'd been there on a video call the entire time.

He’d always been very close to his grandmother, and that closeness only grew in the three years he’d been in LA. She had helped him a ton with Christopher, and while disapproving of Shannon’s leaving and Eddie’s letting her back into their lives, she didn’t throw the whole mess back in his face like the rest of his family did. He owed pretty much everything to her. 

“This is my time to go, Edmundo, not yours,” she had said. Eddie had smiled sadly at her and shook his head.

“It doesn’t work like that, Abuela. You know that.”

Buck wasn’t an idiot; he knew there was something Eddie was hiding from him, but he never pushed, never tried to make whatever Eddie was thinking about worse. Another one of his many amazing traits.

Eddie was the worst person in the world for doing this to his family. He was fighting with all the willpower he could muster, fighting through the numerous brain scans, IV medicines, blood draws, and low-grade fevers. But with each jerk of pain through his head, he could feel bits and pieces of his resolve chipping away. 

It was always Buck that held him up with his unwavering faith, even when all Eddie wanted to do was curl into his chest and will everything away.

* * *

On day six, Eddie conceded letting Christopher, Maddie and Carla into the room, where they played Go Fish as Christopher told him about what he was learning in school and how his Buck had ended up helping him with his homework. He also said that Buck stayed with him one night, when they weren’t in the hospital with Eddie, because he didn’t want to be alone.

Eddie stared reverently at his son the entire time, marveling at the resilience of the kid as he chattered on about cards. How, even with his father in the hospital, Chris wasn’t lashing out in grief. He tried to stay as positive as he could in front of his father, when Eddie knew that deep down, Christopher hated the entire situation with a passion. He was so scared of losing Eddie, and Eddie felt the helplessness like shackles on his wrists.

Carla had told him that Buck had been the one to hold him as he cried and to comfort him because there wasn’t anyone else Chris would listen to.

Maddie and Carla’s eyes were glistening as Carla retold the tale, while Eddie just looked stricken, wanting so many things in so little time. Their backgrounds as a nurse and a healthcare aide told Eddie that they weren’t quite as easy to hide things from. He was fighting and fighting, but he could feel time slipping through his fingers and he didn't know what to do about it.

Bobby had forced Buck back to his shift at one point, citing that they did need all hands on deck. In truth, Bobby hadn’t wanted to let Buck leave, because he felt better knowing one of the 118 was with Eddie at all times, even if they were two men down. Eddie was the one that pushed Bobby into calling him back onto shift. Eddie couldn’t handle seeing the fear in Buck’s eyes increase day by day. He felt like a jackass for trying to accommodate himself while Buck had flipped everything upside down for him, but he didn't want Buck to see him weaken so much.

Buck found a work-around for that too. According to Hen, the second his shift ended, he was screeching out of the parking lot in his haste to get to the hospital. Every time Buck came back in, Eddie’s lips quirked up at how adamant he was to be here, but he scolded him anyway. His health was deteriorating day by day, and he knew he looked like hell; no one deserved to see him look like that. 

Dark circles had taken refuge under his eyes. The blood had drained out of his face, leaving him looking pretty ghostly. There was a nasty gash on his forehead that they’d taken stitches out of and the back of his hand looked to be an array of angry purple, midnight blue and hazy red from the amount of IV drugs that had been injected into his system. 

The constant sitting without being able to get up had left his muscles feeling useless, even if he did walk around the floor once or twice a day with Marco, and he’d lost tremendous amounts of weight in only one week. He’d also developed a fever, one that left an unnaturally red flush on already-pale skin.

Today, Buck came back just as Carla was leaving. Giving her a hug, he gestured wildly as he talked animatedly about two ladies that had flirted with him on a call today. Carla’s loud laugh resonated in the room, drawing Maddie’s attention and amusement too. Eddie’s gaze was locked on him through the blurry vision.

Though at least this time, his blurry vision wasn’t because of tears.

Maddie watched them stare at each other, Buck periodically glancing at Eddie to see if anything had changed from when he was here last. Her heart hurt so bad at seeing her little brother run around like this, seeing the man that had become her brother’s entire world waste away. Eddie and Maddie had become good friends as well, and her hands trembled every time she thought about what the increasing intracranial pressure meant.

As Carla left, Buck came over with his usual swagger, winking at Christopher and eliciting a giggle from the young boy. “What’s going on?” Buck plucked Eddie’s cards out of his hand, taking over the game for him.

Eddie bypassed any formalities and went straight into lecturing him.

“Buck, you need to go home. You’ve been here for a week.”

“So have you, so get better so we can go home.” There was no room for argument in Buck’s tone. Eddie looked exasperatedly at Maddie for help, but she shrugged. Once Buck got something in his head, there was no changing his mind come hell or high water.

They sat around and played a few rounds of cards while Christopher and Buck chattered on, with the occasional comment from Maddie and Eddie. Seeing Buck with Christopher in the moment only cemented Eddie’s decision. 

“Let’s go, superman. You have school tomorrow,” Maddie said gently, coaxing Christopher down from the bed. Eddie stopped them, pulling Christopher into a tight hug.

He ignored the pain in his chest as he held his little man tighter to him. Something was nagging at him that this would be the last time he’d get to hold Christopher like this. They stayed huddled like that for a long time, Eddie fighting his tears and Maddie not even trying to. Buck looked away from the two of them, biting his lip hard to keep from bawling.

“I love you, Daddy.” Christopher’s little voice came from over Eddie’s shoulder, muffled by the pillows. 

“I love you too, _mijo,_ so so much. That’ll never change, you remember that. I love you so much, buddy.” Eddie pressed desperate kisses onto his son’s skin and hair, a few stray tears slipping free as he choked on the farewell lodged in his throat, trying not to let Christopher know how _scared_ he really was. 

Christopher kissed his dad’s forehead before leaving, bringing a fresh wave of tears to Eddie’s eyes. Eddie watched him slowly leave the room, Maddie in tow. She looked back at him once before choking up and leaving with a faint apology.

Eddie’s eyes began to droop with exhaustion, but he gestured to Buck.

“Can you sleep here tonight? With me?” he whispered into the silence of the room. Buck closed his eyes as he nodded, lashes damp with unfallen tears. Eddie moved to the side as much as he could to make room for Buck on the bed. 

It was definitely a tight fit but it was just was Eddie needed, and knew that Buck needed too. They needed to keep each other close enough to share the same heartbeat. 

That night, the two men traced every line of the other’s skin as if committing it to memory. A brush of a cool finger here, a press of a warm palm there. A relaxing scrape of fingernails across Eddie’s scalp, a grounding tug of the hair at the nape of Buck’s neck. Eddie ghosted his lips across Buck’s, the kiss tasting of salt and bittersweet apologies.

Even the night nurses couldn’t bear separating them, not with the tears sparkling in their eyes as they spoke in hushed tones of love to each other. 

Buck fell asleep first, his head resting in the crook of Eddie’s arm. His entire body was pressed against Eddie’s side, careful of the wires threading out of him. Eddie laid awake for a short while later, carding his fingers through Buck’s hair. 

He prayed to every single entity he could think of, hoping and wishing that he’d get out of this alive.

* * *

On day seven, it was Bobby that’d taken a day off to be with Eddie. His head was killing him today, but Bobby’s presence was a nice distraction from the discomfort. Eddie had spoken to him and Athena about the will, since the two of them were named witnesses for the notary, and Bobby was to be the executor. 

Bobby had cried the day Eddie had asked him to execute his will two months ago, and that image was stuck with him as he and Bobby exchanged comfortable conversation, sharing stories of the kids as toddlers and infants.

Bobby, surprisingly, shared a few stories of his own kids, Brook and Robert Jr. while Eddie shared some of Christopher from after his retirement.

“You will not believe how difficult Christopher was as a child,” he laughed, showing Bobby some of the photos on his phone. “Shannon used to tell me that the only time he’d calm down was when I’d call, which wasn’t very often at all.” Bobby laughed at this, shaking his head at a particular horrendous picture of Christopher as a toddler, screaming his head off.

“He was like that into my retirement too. Once Shannon left though, it was like a complete one-eighty. Suddenly he wasn’t crying at odd hours of the night or spitting out all the food I gave him. Almost as if he knew how hard it was on me to begin with, and he didn’t want to add to it,” Eddie trailed off, grief hitting him hard. “He still does that.”

Bobby gave a sympathetic smile as he patted Eddie’s arm. True to Cap's nature, he steered the conversation in a safer direction as he talked about the most recent kitchen fiasco his step-kids had gotten into. May had recently gotten into cooking, and while Bobby taught her a few things, Harry also wanted in on the action. 

“Yesterday, the two of them decided to surprise me with a pie, but somewhere along the line, they mixed up salt and sugar, managed to burn the pie crust and just barely avoided a house fire. Athena was so mad at me, I honestly thought I was going to jail last night,” Bobby said, chuckling in-between his retelling. Eddie laughed hard at that, imagining the whole scene play out. “I had Hen ready on speed dial to come bail me out.”

In the middle of a conversation about Denny, Harry and Christopher, Eddie’s vision began to blink out in one eye. His words were slurring together and suddenly, he couldn’t remember what he was talking about, or _who_ he was talking to.

The man in front of him must’ve recognized all the signs Eddie was showing and jumped out of his seat, a blur on Eddie’s visual field. The man kept saying something to him but he couldn’t figure out what the words were or why the man cared so much. There were only two people he could remember at the moment.

_Buck. Where are Buck and Christopher?_

_I need Buck. Where’s Buck?_

_Christopher can’t see me like this._

_Evan? Christopher?_

There was a severe burst of pain in his head as a searing light played out behind his eyelids, images of a blond man swinging a boy onto his back and then...nothing.

* * *

Bobby fought the nurse as he tried to push the older man out of the room. “I need to be here with him, why don’t you understand?” Doctors rushed into the room, one stopping long enough to say something that wouldn’t register through the panic clouding Bobby’s brain.

A stroke. 

Bobby knew all the signs of a stroke, and Eddie was displaying most of them. Eddie had been in the middle of telling him about Christopher and Harry hiding Eddie’s favourite shoes when his speech started to slur and one side of his face drooped. That’s when Bobby’s hold on his normal calm had broken.

“Blood pressure fluctuating, that’s not looking good.” The doctors barked out orders that Bobby wasn’t able to follow. It was all a rush of activity but all he could focus on was Eddie’s unconscious body and the rapid beeping of the heart monitor. 

That one weak moment was enough for the nurse to force him out of the room. “Sir, we’re going to do everything we can, please stay here.”

Bobby dropped into the seat as the nurse shut the door and closed the blinds. Muffled sounds still filtered through and Bobby tried to follow along but his ears clearly weren’t working.

_Evan._

That was one of the last names Eddie had said, probably unaware that he was saying them out loud. Bobby pulled his phone out and called Chimney, praying that they weren’t out on a call.

“Hey, Cap.” Chimney’s voice was high-pitched with anticipation, but low enough. Bobby let out a choked sound and that was enough for Chim. “Hen, Buck, let’s go!” 

Bobby listened as the rest of his team left the station, siren blaring in their haste to reach the hospital. “We’re two minutes out, Cap.”

“Bobby, Bobby tell me he’s alright.” Buck’s voice came onto the phone. Bobby squeezed his eyes shut, hands trembling around the metal.

“Just get here as fast as you can.” It felt like he hadn’t even finished his sentence before all four firefighters were sprinting into the waiting room where Bobby was slumped over a chair.

* * *

The sight of his captain looking so haggard tore at Buck, who was the first one to reach Bobby. Buck’s heart stopped as Bobby told them what had happened.

“I think the intracranial pressure or some blood clot must have blocked an artery or something in his brain, because he had a stroke. We were in the middle of talking about the kids and suddenly he wasn’t talking right, and he didn’t know who I was, and…” Bobby was speaking rapidly and frantic, high-strung with anxiety as he leaned on Hen’s side. Buck started pacing as he listened to the commotion in the room.

One particular sentence and horrifyingly familiar sound came out to them, freezing all four firefighters in place.

“Everybody clear!” 

Buck would’ve nearly fallen to the floor if it weren’t for Bobby grabbing onto his waist. Buck looked desperately between them, feeling the love of his life slipping through his fingers with each passing second.

“They’re having to use the defibrillator, Bobby, he’s not breathing on his own, his heart isn’t pumping Hen, I can’t lose him. We can’t lose him, Chim,” Buck sobbed, his anxiety causing a thousand words to spew out of his chest; all the words he'd kept buried deep inside himself the entire week. He looked between his found family, looking for hope.

“Don’t,” Bobby said sharply, the thought of Eddie leaving too hard to bear. “We don’t know what’s happening.”

“All we can do is wait,” Hen said, her tone gentle despite her voice wobbling with stark fear.

So they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? Did I do justice to this chapter? 
> 
> Leave me Kudos and Comments, and thank you so much for reading! You can find me on tumblr @zeethebooknerd. My inbox is open for y'all to come say hi! Or drop me a prompt if you want! :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Back with the new chapter. This was read over by my best friend but it is, in effect, unbeta'd!
> 
> TW: major character death, descriptions of grief, lots of angst
> 
> I would like to thank all of you that are reading this fic despite how painful it may be! I had picked this fic up as a way to explore my breadth as a writer, and I love all of you for supporting me through this!
> 
> Let me know if I miss anything in the Trigger Warnings!

Buck refused to believe what the doctor was saying. 

“Bobby, that’s not right,” Buck stammered, looking desperately at his captain. “There’s got to be a mistake, Eddie wouldn’t just give up like that. Bobby, tell the doctor to check again. We’re probably standing in front of the wrong room, Bobby tell him to check, _please._ ” Buck tugged at Bobby’s shirt like a child, wanting the only father figure he’d known to just look at him. His heart pounded erratically against his chest.

But Cap himself was frozen in place. He turned his neck to look at Buck slowly, and with one glance at Bobby’s resigned, grieving eyes, Buck knew that his worst nightmare had just come true.

He couldn’t hear anything over the roaring in his ears, and his eyes wouldn’t focus. He went dizzy with disbelief as his hand dropped from Bobby’s shirt and his heart stopped. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling anything at all.

The weight of Chimney’s arm over his shoulders brought him back to the bleak hospital hallway. He distantly registered that Chimney and Bobby were trying to speak to him, repeating his name over and over again as Buck backed away from Eddie’s hospital door.

_Eddie_

“No, no, no.” The word tumbled from Buck’s lips over and over again, tripping over his tongue and lodging in his teeth as he fell to his knees. He felt his heart crack into irreparable pieces, anguish taking hold of every nerve in his body. 

“NO!” Buck screamed, finally registering what the doctor said. He screamed over and over again, not being able to deal with the sudden and swift pain coursing through him. Chimney hauled him up and into his arms where Buck fell apart. Sobs ripped through his throat and for that entire three seconds it took for the doctor to tell them that Eddie was _gone_ , Buck knew that his world had shattered, and it would never be the same again. 

Bobby looked helplessly at Buck shaking in Chimney’s arms. Chim himself hadn’t fared much better despite his efforts to hold Buck in one piece, and Hen had collapsed into a chair on the side, her mouth open on a gasp, tears running freely. He watched weakly as the youngest member of his team cried for his partner, cried for what he lost, cried for what he could never get back. Buck kept crying out for Eddie in between rasps as Chimney held him tight, the two men sinking to the floor with Buck’s struggles.

Bobby’s own chest felt like it was being strangled, at losing yet another son, and while he’d perfected the art of remaining stoic but sympathetic, he wasn’t able to stop his own choked cry either. That’s what Eddie had been to him, and Bobby was thankful that he’d told Eddie as much. The image of Eddie’s mouth drooping was all he could see when he closed his eyes.

But seeing Buck right now would imprint on his brain forever; the normally-strong man had never broken down like he did today, and Bobby knew it was because Eddie literally was Buck’s better half. It didn’t matter what the relationship was between the two men, if they’d been just best friends or they’d taken the next step. Buck and Eddie had found something rare within each other. Bobby sunk down next to the two firefighters kneeling on the ground, wrapping his arms around both of them and Hen as the four firefighters wept for their found family.

“I want to see him.” Buck strangled his sobbing into a few stray tears and stood up straight, dislodging everyone else around him. He noticed for the first time that Chimney had also been crying, evident from the wet spot on Buck’s shoulder. Buck stared blankly at the doctor, who was looking at them sympathetically. Bobby, Chimney and Hen remained huddled in each other’s embrace.

“Of course. Take as much time as you need.” He pulled open the door to Eddie’s hospital room, instructing something to the nurses that were taking out the various needles and IVs from Eddie’s lifeless body.

_Eddie’s body._

For the first time since the two met, Eddie didn’t look at him. He didn’t smile, he didn’t open his eyes, he didn’t make a face. He didn’t stir at the sound of Buck’s footsteps.

The nurses were about to leave before Buck stopped them with a shaky hand, a trembling finger pointing to the heart monitor.

“Wait, can you unplug that?” Buck whispered, voice coming out hoarse and bleak. He didn’t want to see the concrete evidence of Eddie being _gone_. The nurse quickly turned it off and said a few faint condolences and an apology as she left, her eyes misty as well. 

Buck’s feet felt like they were laden with iron weights; he couldn’t move forward. 

Bobby’s hand between his shoulder blades caught Buck’s attention, and he turned his head to look at his father figure in disbelief, mouth opening and closing as his mind warred over what to say.

“Eddie” was the first word out of his mouth. It came out on a breathless gasp, before Bobby pulled him into a comforting hug. 

Buck didn’t even know if he had any tears left to cry, but if he was going to do it, he was going to do it in the privacy of his own home, alone and surrounded by every single memory of Eddie he could find.

“Go. We’ll be waiting for you out here.” Bobby urged him inside, taking one last glance at Eddie before turning his tear-filled gaze away from Buck.

Buck took a step inside, then another, then another until he finally reached the bed. Hesitating for only a split second, Buck let out a rattled breath before entangling his fingers with Eddie’s rapidly cooling ones. Standing above the hospital bed meant that Buck could see every line of Eddie’s body, every pinch and poke of the needles and tubes that actually _had_ been keeping him alive, every scar and laceration from his injuries. 

“You lied to me,” he whispered. “You lied. You said you would have my back. You broke your end of the deal, Diaz. You _left_ me. You did the one thing that scares me the most, the one thing you made me _promise_ not to do; you left me. How hypocritical is that?”

“Eddie...” Buck let out a humorless laugh. Even now, he wasn’t able to force those three words from his throat. Eddie didn’t deserve to hear them like that. “Eddie, come back to me, _please_.” 

“Come back to me, be my miracle,” Buck begged his best friend, even as he watched his face turn more and more ashen as pallor mortis began to set in. He prayed to every single entity he could think of, begging them to bring Eddie back.

“I’ll do whatever you want if you just _come back_ to us. Come home to Christopher-” Buck cut himself off on a gasp, shock gutting him.

_Christopher._

Buck stumbled back on his heels, falling into a chair next to the bed. How could he forget the other half of his heart?

“What am I going to tell Christopher, Eddie?” Buck whispered to his partner, his cold hand still clutched tightly in Buck’s clammy one. “How am I going to look him in the face and tell him that his father’s gone? That he lost another parent?” 

Buck closed his eyes and wrapped both of his hands around Eddie’s limp one, resting his forehead against their entwined hands as he let tears fall. “Why did you leave me alone?”

Eddie didn’t answer a single question or reply to anything Buck kept blabbering about, but Buck kept his tirade going, talking and talking to his partner as if he was alive and listening. He kept his eyes trained on Eddie’s hand in both of his as he talked, whined, begged, bargained with Eddie.

“I’ll never rub it in your face that I’m taller than you ever again.”

“I’ll let you take first dibs at the coffee machine.”

“I won’t flip out on you if you throw my covers back again.”

“I’ll let you eat the last slice of pizza.”

“I’ll admit that you’re fitter and stronger than me.”

Buck kept going, kept offering every single thing Eddie and him had argued about in all the time they’d known each other, to no avail. Eddie just wouldn’t wake up. When that didn’t work, he switched gears to seemingly-normal conversation, detailing an impromptu plan on how to break the news to Christopher as if that could emotionally blackmail his father into coming back. 

Either way, he refused to have people Chris didn’t know show up and tell him that his dad was dead.

“Evan?” Bobby’s voice came from behind him, gentle. “It’s been almost two hours.”

Bobby’s words were a slap in his face, straight back to reality. Buck had sat there for nearly two _hours_ trying to get his Eddie back, to no avail. The next stages of death were setting in, and Buck hated that he knew that. He hated that he knew every single biological mechanism Eddie would go through in the next few months, because the thought of him facing those alone made Buck nauseous. The thought of _his Eddie_ going through them _killed_ him.

Not being able to take the pain anymore, Buck stood up and leaned over to press a kiss against Eddie’s forehead, a few tears dropping onto Eddie’s skin as Buck struggled to keep himself in control. His shoulders shook as he held Eddie close one last time and smoothed his dark hair back. 

“Rest in peace, Edmundo Diaz.” The words did nothing to soothe him, but Buck hoped that Eddie’s soul would find its peace.

Buck pressed one last gentle kiss to the back of his partner’s hand, knowing that the second he let go, he’d never touch or see Eddie again.

“ _Descansen en paz, mi amor."_ Buck repeated the words in Spanish, before reluctantly letting go of Eddie’s hand, fingers slipping through each others as Buck finally let him go. 

Physically, at least. 

The rest of the 118 filed in to pay their respects to Eddie, Hen shaking as she clutched Eddie’s hand in her own. Chimney hung his head, trembling with sobs. Athena had shown up at one point as well, her face twisting in grief as she saw Eddie lying lifeless on the white sheets.

Bobby led Buck outside, sitting him down on the hard plastic chairs that he’d been waiting in for the past week, waiting to take Eddie home. “I’ll be right back.” Bobby went in the room, leaving Buck to stare aimlessly out into space. It felt like there was nothing left in him to feel.

Instead, his mind was running with all the possible ways he needed to tell Christopher. Buck glanced up at the clock and realized that Carla was due to get off her shift in just twenty minutes. 

Today, it wouldn’t be Eddie coming to relieve her. It would have to be Buck.

Buck sprang out of the chair just as Bobby came back out. Bobby looked shocked to see him standing but Buck quickly let him know that he was going to Christopher.

“Buck, they haven’t informed his parents or his aunt or anyone yet, because it’s the chief that has to do it for situations like this. Christopher won’t know until then.”

“I know Bobby, but Christopher _can’t_ find out from a couple of officers showing up at the door.” Buck pressed the urgency of the matter onto his captain, his hands restlessly moving in an effort to show Bobby what he meant. “Look, I’m in my uniform. I can be the one to go and let them know. They’ll take it better from me, since they know me.”

At this point, Buck was desperate, switching glances from the clock to Bobby’s face.

By the time Bobby opened his mouth again, Buck already had another argument prepared. But Cap’s words stopped him in his tracks. “Okay. Do what you have to do. I’ll handle it from here, see if I can get the chief to let me talk to Isabel.”

“I’ll go with you,” Athena’s usually stronger-than-steel voice piped up from behind her husband, frail and weak as she brushed a tear from her eye. A rush of gratefulness flooded him, because despite his insistence that it be him to tell Christopher, he wasn’t so sure he could do it alone. Having Athena’s strong will beside him soothed the rough edges of apprehension a little.

As Athena and him climbed into her car, Buck took a second to call Carla and tell her that it would be him coming to stay with Christopher today.

“Is everything okay, Buck?” Carla didn’t use her usual nickname for him, sensing the change in his voice. He wondered how detached he really sounded.

“We’re ten minutes away.” Because Buck didn’t want to lie to her. Because he couldn’t break news like this over the phone. Because he didn’t know what else to say.

It wasn’t okay. It really wasn’t, but there was nothing Buck could do about it. And from the sound of silence on Carla’s end, she’d probably put it together already.

“Okay,” she whispered before hanging up. He clenched the phone tightly as he stared out of the window of Athena’s car. Maddie was texting him over and over again but he couldn’t find it in him to text her back. 

Sick of everything and wanting to push everyone except Eddie’s little boy away, Buck turned the vibration on his phone off.

“Eddie had a will ready. It’s been nearly two months since the last will was notarized,” Athena spoke, reaching over to grasp Buck’s free hand in hers. “Bobby and I were the witnesses, and he was really the only one from the 118 who had a will ready and prepared.”

“Probably had one from while he was in the army.” Buck cracked a faint smile at that, shaking his head at his partner’s planning. Eddie always had everything planned down to the last letter. Though, he wouldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams that Eddie would have a _goddamn_ testament prepared.

“No, he only made the will because he needed to secure Christopher’s life, if anything were to happen to him. When he was in the army, Shannon was there, and Eddie told us that her leaving wasn’t something he’d ever imagined. But he understood her reasons, even if he didn’t approve of them. Watching Christopher and himself struggle without her to made him resent her, made her lose his trust. Once she died, Eddie knew that he needed to do something to make sure that boy of his was taken care of in the best possible way.”

Buck stayed silent, only half-listening to Athena. “What do I say to him, Athena?”

He knew that Athena once had to break the news of her former fiancé’s death to his family. He knew Athena understood his plight in a way that none of the 118 did, not even Bobby. 

“You have to be the one to decide how you want to tell him, but I can tell you what _not_ to do. Don’t spin falsities. Don’t skirt around the topic. Don’t use euphemisms to coat the reality. Rip the bandage off and make sure Christopher understands that he isn’t alone. He has all of us with him, and he needs to know that. You need to tell him that his father died fighting for his life, fighting to come back to us.”

She gripped his hand tightly as the car turned into the driveway. Carla was already waiting outside, Christopher next to her. Her eyes scanned Buck’s and Athena’s faces worriedly, while Christopher was coloring something on the porch with chalk.

“Buck!” Chris cheered happily, ambling over to throw his crutch-laden arms around Buck’s waist. Buck stared straight ahead, moving on autopilot as his arms came forth to clutch the boy tighter to him, the little piece of Eddie they still had left. His head tilted back towards the blue sky as fresh tears dripped from his already-sore eyes. He was about to turn the boy’s entire world upside down, right alongside his own. 

Buck locked eyes with Carla who had a hand up to her mouth as Athena spoke quietly to her. Her face was tight with grief as she kissed Buck and Christopher on the cheek and left, a stray sob reaching their ears. Eddie’s loss was hitting her just as hard, because Carla leaving during a crisis like this was unusual.

Would anything be like usual again though?

Buck felt the boy pull away from where his face was pressed into Buck’s lower stomach. Christopher looked up at Buck to find him crying too. Aunt Athena, who never cried, was crying too.

He pulled Buck down towards him. Buck stared into the boy’s eyes as Christopher wiped Buck’s tears, gray eyes just as perceptive his father’s hazel ones.

“Why are you guys crying?” Christopher asked quietly. Buck opened and closed his mouth, not knowing where to proceed.

“Let’s go inside,” Athena interrupted them, urging Buck and Christopher up. Buck leaned down to pick Christopher up, an action that he normally protested. Today though, Christopher didn’t say a single word, sensing that Buck needed to hold him close.

“Aunt Athena, Buck, what’s wrong? Where’s Daddy?” Christopher asked the second Buck placed him down on the sofa. Athena placed an encouraging hand on Buck’s shoulder as he composed himself and knelt down in front of Christopher. He could already see Christopher fearing the worst.

Only this time, it was true.

“Christopher.” Buck closed his eyes and exhaled sharply. He forced himself to rip the bandage off. “Eddie died at the hospital a few hours ago.”

At first, Christopher just blinked slowly at him, a suffocating silence taking up residence in the living room as his brain rejected the mere thought. Buck saw the exact moment the words sunk in, because Christopher’s little face contorted in horror and grief as he reached for Buck’s uniform collar, tightly clutching it as big tears rolled down ruddy cheeks. 

“Bucky, tell me you’re lying. Daddy wouldn’t leave me. You would never let anything happen to him, _Buck_.” Buck bowed his head ashamedly in front of Eddie’s son, trembling with the effort to keep himself upright. Christopher was repeating the exact words he himself had said in front of Bobby not even three hours ago, and it flayed him wide open.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispered in between rattled cries. A small hand tipped his damp chin up.

“How are we going to be okay without Daddy?” Chris forced the words out in between struggling cries and hiccups. Him using Eddie’s trademark words of comfort snapped Buck’s control over his composure. He pulled Christopher down into his lap as the two of them broke apart. Chris balled his fist up in Buck’s shirt as he let it all out; shaking, desperate sobs that racked his little body. 

Buck rocked the two of them back and forth as he buried his face in Christopher’s curls. His hand came up to cradle the kid’s head, holding him tight against his torso. He kept whispering unheard apologies against Christopher’s hair as they sat there and mourned.

Christopher cried for what felt like hours before the exhaustion wore him out and his head lolled against Buck’s shoulder in restless sleep. Dried tear marks left crusted salt on his skin. Buck gently wiped at the rough texture and slipped his crutches and glasses off.

Some time between breaking the news to Christopher and him falling asleep, Bobby and Maddie had also shown up.

His arms felt heavy but he refused to relinquish his hold on Christopher, opting to stay huddled together on the ground as Bobby informed him that him and Athena had already told Eddie’s abuela and that she had taken the news hard as well. Isabel was planning to come to Christopher before Athena told her that Buck was with him.

“She’s going to stop by tomorrow,” Bobby said gently. Buck hadn’t even noticed that Athena left.

He gave some sort of a nod as a reply, his mouth down-turned with the ache in his chest. He felt empty without Eddie there to put him back together. His eyes were unseeing as he fixed his gaze on everything and nothing in particular.

In every sense of the word, Buck, Eddie and Christopher were a tight family. Buck and Eddie hadn’t been together, but they’d been working their way towards something beautiful. They were supposed to talk about it in just a few days. To have that snatched away from him right as he’d been reaching for it was a cruel play of fate. 

To have Christopher lose his father, the only person in his world that made everything make sense, was cruel.

Losing Eddie was cruel.

“Evan?” Maddie said softly, her eyes damp with unfallen tears. Buck slowly lifted his head to meet his sister’s gaze. “Do you need anything?” 

He shook his head, wanting to be left alone with Christopher. Buck said as much out loud. “I want to be left alone here with Christopher. I think we’ve had enough for one day. I’ll keep my phone on, update me with everything on Eddie’s funeral arrangements and whatever else we need to do. Athena told me there was a will to be read as well, but can you ask Bobby not to do it until I’m there?”

His voice sounded robotic to his ears, simply relaying information; emotionless and flat. Maddie made a choked sound of agreement before bending down to urge him up.

“Okay. We’re here for you too, Evan. Let’s get you and Christopher to bed.” Buck didn’t want to jostle the boy but thankfully, he was able to stand stiffly without waking him up. Maddie led them slowly down the hallway.

Bypassing Eddie’s room without so much as a glance, Buck laid down on Christopher’s bed, still holding the kid tightly. His arms felt like they’d fall off any second but there was no way he was letting go.

Christopher shifted slightly only to bury his shaking body into Buck as he cried out for Eddie in his sleep. Buck’s heart broke as he rocked him as best as he could. Soon, his cries soothed out again as he fell back into an uneasy sleep.

Maddie draped a comforting arm around her brother’s shoulder, kissing his temple like she used to do when they were smaller. It was common knowledge that the Diaz family sorely included Buck in it, and Maddie knew that if Christopher had a chance to bounce back after losing another parent, it was because of Evan.

But how would Buck bounce back? 

Buck lifted tired, red-rimmed eyes to gaze at her sleepily. “It should’ve been me, Mads.” 

Those were the last words she heard before Buck fell asleep. Her ears were ringing with the words as she forced herself to get up and leave the house.

Once in her car, she gripped her steering wheel tight enough to wash out the color in her knuckles as she mourned the loss of her friend. Chimney’s face flashed across her phone, and without answering him, she shot off a quick text telling him that she was on the way. 

She didn’t think she could handle hearing her boyfriend’s voice at a time like this.

* * *

When she reached the hospital, Chimney took one look at her before pulling her into his arms. Maddie allowed herself a couple minutes of weakness before she straightened her spine and walked over to Bobby and Athena. The two were on the phone coordinating funeral arrangements.

“Tomorrow at noon. He’ll be buried in the military cemetery.” Bobby’s voice was hollow. “The funeral will have full military honors. Two soldiers from the squad he was a part of during his last tour of Afghanistan have offered to be the honor guard. Eddie wanted our squad of the 118 to be his pallbearers, as per his will.”

“Did anyone call his parents?” 

“Eddie did a few days ago, but they weren’t able to get a flight so they’re driving up.” Hen paused. “They’re going to come to LA only to see their son’s dead body, not even a chance to say goodbye.”

A tense silence fell over the room, broken only by stray sniffles and the hum of the hospital morgue behind them. 

Maddie felt like the room was closing in on her. She was just thankful that her brother wasn’t here to witness the cold, bleak atmosphere of the morgue, where his best friend lay lifelessly.

“It’s going to be closed casket,” Athena added, her voice smaller than Maddie had ever heard it.

“Mr. Nash?” A young man was standing near them, papers bunched in his fist. He was probably from the mortuary. Bobby pushed off the wall to come talk to the man. “My name is Alec, and I’m the mortuary clerk here. Here are the notice of death papers and the certificate that we don’t need to conduct a post-mortem examination. It’s been signed by Dr. Leon. You’ll have to give these to the funeral home, or they won’t let the burial take place.”

Bobby nodded faintly, passing the papers to Hen. “We’ll have to sign release papers for the funeral room to take over, right?”

“According to the patient’s hospital forms, a…” He glanced at the clipboard he was holding. “A Mr. Evan Buckley will have to sign them, as the only one authorized by the hospital to make any decisions on Mr. Diaz’s behalf or after him. Is he here?” 

Maddie’s heart fractured as her previous gratefulness vanished. Buck would have to sign off to bury his best friend, his other half. The adults exchanged similar looks, all of them thinking the exact same thing. It didn’t make sense to rake Buck over the coals even more than he’d already been.

“Is it possible for me to sign them? I’m Buck and Eddie’s captain.” Alec shook his head, sympathetic.

“No, I’m sorry, Mr. Nash. It’s against hospital policy, because those are forms that we need for our own records. If he was out of the country or couldn’t make it to the hospital, then we could concede having you sign them in absentia.” The clerk paused, searching between the five of them. “Is that the case?”

Chimney was quick to deny the implication. “No, not at all. He’s at home with Eddie’s nine-year-old son.” Alec face twisted up with residual empathy. Hearing about children that had lost their parents was one of the hardest parts of the job, but something in his expression made Maddie recognize that Alec personally wasn’t as a stranger to the situation as they would have thought. 

“Once the forms are signed, the body will be released the funeral home to prepare for the service.”

_The body._

Alec’s words weren’t unkind, but hearing them was a punch to the gut. Maddie had worked many shifts where patients had died, and she knew this procedure well, but the legalities of every mortuary were different. 

Everything was different when it was one of your own. 

Maddie couldn’t help but think about how the young man in front of them managed to appear sympathetic and genuine, but still professional. He looked as if he took every loss as his own, and knowing that Eddie’s case was being handled by someone like that eased Maddie’s fears about the funeral. Everything would be conducted exactly as Eddie wished, and hopefully without a hitch.

“Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss.” Alec gave them all a compassionate smile before walking away, the genuine words being the first in a line of condolences they would have to field over the next few days. Bobby stared at the forms in his hand blankly.

“I’ll let Evan know,” she murmured, pulling her phone out to text all the details to him. He’d just said that they had had enough for one day, but what else were they supposed to do?

 **Maddie:** They just gave Bobby the NOD and a post-mortem clearance certificate. But you will need to be the one to sign a release form.

 **Evan:** Do I need to be there right now?

She knew Buck wouldn’t have slept more than twenty minutes at a time. The instant reply told her that he’d been waiting on the updates. Or that it was more than likely that his grief woke him up.

 **Maddie:** Whenever you can, preferably today. All of us are going to head to Bobby and Athena’s house to work out the little details about the burial. You should join us there after you’re done here

 **Maddie:** I think being around May, Harry and Denny will be good for Christopher.

 **Evan:** I’m not sure he wants to be left alone, Mads. I’m not sure I want to leave him either.

Alone meant without Buck. A pressure squeezed her chest as she took a minute to reply, the screen blurring from the tears clouding her vision.

 **Maddie:** You can’t bring him here to the morgue. 

**Evan:** I know. I’ll come quick and leave quickly too. 

**Evan:** I don’t know if I can take it either. 

**Maddie:** We’re all there with you, don’t forget that.

 **Maddie:** He’s going to get a funeral with full military honors. He wanted the 118 to be the pallbearers and the funeral is to be closed casket. 

**Maddie:** Eddie’s parents are driving up but they didn’t get here in time to see their son, and they still haven’t arrived.

 **Evan:** They’re with Isabel, she just texted me.

That was surprising. Helena and Ramon went to Isabel’s house instead of coming to the hospital to see Eddie?

She voiced this thought to the rest of them. “His parents are already in LA, they’re at Eddie’s grandmother’s house.”

Shock settled over them. They would’ve thought that his parents would come to the hospital first. 

Hen was the first to speak. “Maybe it’s too painful to see Eddie?”

“That’s not important right now,” Athena cut in, stopping the conversation before it could even take off. “We don’t know anything about Eddie’s parents, and we are not going to stand in front of the mortuary wondering about it. Our focus is Eddie, Isabel, Pepa and Christopher, so let’s get back home.”

Anyone else would have interpreted the words to be harsh, but Athena meant well. Most of them had only met Eddie’s parents at his end-of-probation ceremony. Christopher didn’t talk about them much either. Either way, they didn’t have the right to be discussing this, not when there were more pressing matters.

Maddie shook the lingering thoughts from her head, deeming it none of her business.

 **Maddie:** Do you want anyone to wait here with you? We’re about to leave.

 **Evan:** No.

She sighed and gestured to everyone, letting them know what Buck said. A nervous finger ran on top of the phone as Maddie spoke. “Buck’s going to drop Christopher off with Michael as soon as they get ready, but he doesn’t want anyone here with him.”

The five adults stood silently. None of them wanted to leave their youngest member alone during a time like this. 

Hen shook her head before sighing. “Buck needs to do this in his own time, because I have a feeling that his life just got a lot more complicated.”

“The most we can do for him is to just be there,” Chimney spoke, curling his fingers around Maddie’s. Maddie tried to speak around the lump in her throat but no sound escaped her.

Finally, when she managed to say something, it was just this: “We’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.” 

* * *

There was a permanent hollowness in his chest. Buck rubbed absentmindedly at the area above his heart as he drove mindlessly back to the hospital.

Christopher had woken up a short while after Maddie’s last text. Once Buck told him about him having to go to the hospital, the young boy refused to let Buck go, had refused to be dropped off with Michael. Buck hadn’t known what to say, but he knew that a morgue wasn’t a place to bring a child. 

Especially when his father was there. 

After a promise to come back as fast as possible, a strong hug from Michael and quick kisses on the cheek from May and Harry, Buck was finally off. 

Christopher’s tears siphoned the breath out of Buck’s lungs. He didn’t know how to comfort the boy, not when he himself felt like he’d shattered in pieces. 

But he’d do it for Christopher. 

Buck thought of Eddie, who had sacrificed so much for Christopher. Not because the boy demanded it of him, but because Eddie loved him heart and soul. That’s what parents should be like; ones that helped and supported their children no matter what. Eddie ran around the clock 24/7 to provide for Christopher, and still spend enough time with his son, and he did it happily. He made sure that Christopher was comfortable in his own skin, made sure that his cerebral palsy didn’t limit him.

Buck wanted to do that for Christopher. He couldn’t make this loss easy; it never would be. But he could be steadfast in his support, and maybe...they’d heal each other.

Marco was the first person Buck ran into when he entered the automatic sliding door. He came over to give his condolences to Buck, a sympathetic look washing over him. 

“He was pretty much one of three patients on this floor who actually got to know their nurses, and respected us too.”

Buck chuckled genuinely at that. “Yeah, that sounds like Eddie. He hated for anyone to feel insignificant.” 

Marco clapped him on the shoulder before directing him down to the morgue. Buck’s steps were heavy and slow, even though he just wanted to get this over with.

Another young man stood near the morgue. He looked to be Buck’s age, but the grief and shadows in his eyes made him seem so much older. “Hi, Mr. Buckley, right? Marco let me know you were on the way. I’m Alec, I’m the clerk here.”

“Call me Buck, and thanks. You said there was something I needed to sign?” Buck shook Alec’s hand, taking note of the stack of papers in his other hand. 

“Yup, let’s go into my office.” Alec’s office was thankfully a few paces away from the entrance to the morgue. Buck could feel the chill sweep into his bones as he stared at the steel door. Behind that was Eddie. “Buck?”

The clerk’s kind voice brought Buck back to the present. Buck shook his head and followed the man down to his office which was far warmer than the psychological chill out there. Once seated, Alec brought forth the papers he’d been holding.

“The hospital requires a release form signed on behalf of all patients who have died, so their bodies can be released to the funeral home.” Alec explained it in a manner that didn’t sound clinical. Buck didn’t realize how much he appreciated Eddie’s death not being talked about in a robotic manner; as if it were just another case.

Ironic coming from a firefighter, but when it was one of your own, you couldn’t help but hope that a patient wouldn’t be just another patient.

“I talked to Mr. Nash when I gave him the certificates from the coroner. He said that it would be a military funeral since Mr. Diaz was an army veteran, and that he would be buried with full honors. Also a product of him dying from injuries sustained in the line of duty.”

“That sounds about right.” Buck forced out through his dry throat. His tongue felt like it was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

“For these sorts of specialized burials, funeral homes usually need a little more time, which is why I had to call you here so soon.” His words were apologetic, but Buck waved him off. Picking up the pen, he scrawled his signature everywhere Alec had flagged, pushing the papers back to the man.

“Whatever gets Eddie to the best resting place possible, I’m ready to do it.” Buck paused, wanting to ask something. The warmth in Alec’s eyes encouraged him to ask. “How-how will they prepare him?”

The question was vague, but Alec seemed to know what Buck was asking.

“Well, since he was both an army veteran and a firefighter, he has given a lot to the service of this country, and he will be honored as so. Since he was injured in the line of duty, they’ll dress him in his firefighter uniform, and according to the wishes he’d expressed to Mr. Nash, one pair of his army fatigues will be folded to place in the casket. He wanted his son to have his Army Service Uniform. It will be closed casket and there will also be a large American flag draped across it. In another part of the ceremony, that flag will be folded and presented to the family along with his badges.”

Buck stared blankly at Alec, images flashing across his mind of Eddie in his uniform. How strong and handsome he looked in the blue fabric. He felt a sense of pride at his partner, dressed with a service uniform as he was laid to rest.

Alec sighed, leaning across the table to place a reassuring hand on Buck’s. “I’m not going to tell you it gets easier. I don’t claim to know what you’re going through, but I’ve been in this business for a while. I’ve never seen so many people mourn for someone they worked with, never seen such kinship and a drive to give a man everything he wanted.”

“We aren’t just a team, we’re a family,” Buck whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. A thought occurred to him just then. “You see so many people every day, how do we heal?”

“Rely on your family, because all of you will heal together. Having that support is important, because the burden isn’t so heavy then.” Alec glanced at a picture on his desk before turning the frame towards Buck. “This sounds stupid and is probably not what you want to hear, but I’m going to share it anyway. Everyone that dies is always with you, even when you think they aren’t.”

A family photo stared back at him, of Alec, twin boys and a woman with her arms locked around Alec’s neck. Alec’s eyes were free of the shadows that he had in his eyes now as he stared down at his family lovingly, a wide smile on all four faces.

“I lost my wife and kids to a car accident a year and a half ago. But everyday, there’s at least one thing that reminds me that while I lost my family physically, they still burn just as bright in my heart. And I know that Mr. Diaz will always have a flame in your hearts too.”

“Always,” Buck said immediately. He looked back at the frame on the desk. “Thank you for sharing that, it was just what I needed to hear.”

The words were genuine; Alec’s story lit the first wick of hope in Buck’s chest since that one fateful call. “Eddie has a nine-year old son, and I don’t know how to make this easier for him. But I think you’ve just given me hope on where to start.” He gave Alec a grateful smile before standing up.

“Don’t underestimate the power of your presence, Buck. From what I can discern from this, just having you there seems to be enough for the young boy. But as a word of advice, don’t downplay anything he feels. Make sure you all keep your hearts open to feel every emotion, even if it’s rage. It’s only then you will be able to move on,” Alec advised. “Letting the grief fester inside you is only going to inevitably make things worse.”

In his heart, Buck knew the words to be true. The clerk’s encouraging smile had Buck feeling a little less raw than he had when he came in.

“Thank you for everything,” Buck said as he and Alec walked back down the hallway. “And I’m sorry for the loss of your family.” Alec accepted the gesture with a warm, humble smile. 

Buck bid him goodbye. He paused right in front of the morgue door, giving the steel door a glance as if he could see straight through the metal.

_You’ll always live in my heart, Eddie._

* * *

Alec’s story stayed with him as Buck drove back to the Grant-Nash household. It wasn’t unlike Bobby’s story. His captain had drowned his sorrows with alcohol and a drive to make up for each life that had been taken in that apartment fire. Ultimately though, he’d come out on top, knowing that it wasn’t the healthiest way to keep his family’s legacy alive, to cope. Buck presumed that Alec saw it in a similar way, though he didn’t know the man well enough to say.

He didn’t know how he was going to cope. Without Eddie, nothing made _sense_ to him.

Buck breathed through the sudden bout of grief that hit him as he walked into the house. His eyes settled on a large group of people. Hen, Michael and Karen were huddled in a corner with Maddie and Chimney, all of whom were outlining something on a piece of paper. Bobby was nowhere to be seen, while Athena was walking around with glasses of water. Denny and Harry were setting up a table outside while May supervised. 

The entire house’s atmosphere had a tangible despair, one that refused to dissipate. It was a stark contrast to the normally bustling house where they’d held parties and family dinners.

His eyes roamed over the crowd before settling on Christopher who was staring at the ground, his head hung low as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

Isabel, Pepa and Eddie’s parents were sitting with him, looking to be arguing about something. A flare of annoyance took hold of Buck at seeing them argue right in front of the child before he stomped it back down. His anger wouldn’t help anyone. 

Maddie was the first to spot him standing blankly in the doorway. Her whisper of Buck’s name made Christopher whirl around to look at him, and immediately shoot out of his seat as fast as he could on his crutches. Buck instantly moved closer to the boy to catch him as Christopher threw himself at him, wrapping his arms tight around the man’s neck.

“Shh..Shh..” The side of Christopher’s glasses dug into Buck’s neck as his skin grew damp with tears. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” 

Buck held him close as he bent to kiss Isabel on the cheek. 

“Did you sign them?” Pepa asked, holding onto his arm.

He nodded. “Yeah, Alec went over the details with me. They’re going to send Eddie’s body to the funeral home tonight, and the casket and grave will be prepared for tomorrow afternoon.”

Buck turned to shake hands with Eddie’s father and mother, both of which were looking at him warily. “Sign what?”

The words were spoken quietly, but all conversation hushed immediately as eyes and ears turned towards where Buck was standing. Buck’s focus remained singularly on Ramon, who’d spoken. Eddie’s father looked defiantly at him, who was still gripping Christopher tightly. The boy was now clinging to Buck’s torso as he hid his face in his neck and wrapped his legs around his midsection.

“They won’t let the funeral home take him until someone signs release forms.”

“As his parents, we should have been the ones to sign them.” Ramon tipped his head up to look Buck in the eye, a scary indifference there. Helena nodded in agreement behind him, clutching a damp tissue in her hand.

There was nothing that Buck could say to that. Pulsing anger blazed up in his bloodstream. They hadn’t come to see their son, hadn’t cared that he was _dying_ , and now that _he was_ _dead_ , they were arguing about formalities?

“Legally, Buck is the only one that can sign anything to do with Eddie,” Athena interjected, pushing a glass of water into Buck’s free hand as if she sensed his anger. “Eddie had named him as authorized to sign everything, and he’s not a minor so you have virtually no legal right to say anything.”

That shut him up pretty quick. Buck couldn’t believe that he’d read Eddie’s parents so wrong. On the day Eddie had been taken off probationary status, his parents had looked so proud and happy. Now, watching them argue over something so insignificant while their son was lying in a morgue preparing to be buried, he didn’t know what to think.

Ramon swiped a hand over his bloodshot eyes before taking a seat. He pulled his wife down next to him, murmuring quietly to her.

Buck shot a grateful look at Athena before sipping at the water. Christopher shifted in his arms to whisper in his ear. “Can we go sit somewhere else?” 

The words were quiet enough that no one but Isabel heard him. She steered the two over to one empty corner of the room. Buck set Christopher down and wiped at his tears gently.

“Hey bud, I need you to stay strong, okay? We’ll get through this together, alright?” Buck said quietly. Christopher took a deep breath and nodded, his eyes red and bleak. Buck held his hand up for a high-five, and Christopher slapped his palm against it, finally smiling slightly.

“Just keep swimming,” Christopher said. Buck smiled, despite himself.

“Like Dory.”

“Like Dory,” The child agreed, his small smile now reaching his eyes.

Meanwhile, Buck turned away from Christopher only to freeze at the look on Abuela’s face. Tears glimmered in her eyes, but there was a small smile playing at her lips too. He scanned the rest of the room to find everyone watching this exchange carefully. Shrugging sheepishly, Buck asked where Bobby was.

“In our room,” Athena said, pointing to that direction. Buck tilted his head in a silent question. At Athena’s nod, he got up to find his captain.

“Bobby?” Buck called out as he cracked open the door. The echo of sniffles came and went just as quick. Buck was brought back to another time nearly four years ago, and one singular word coming from the silence.

_“Help.”_

Bobby was seated in an armchair near the window, head in his hands.

“Bobby?” Buck repeated again, coming near his captain. Bobby had been the last one to see Eddie alive, had seen Eddie have a stroke, had found his hands tied as Eddie’s life slipped away. 

“It’s not fair” was the first thing Bobby said as he lifted his red eyes to look at Buck. Buck shook his head, lowering himself into the chair next to Bobby.

“No, it really isn’t.”

The two men stayed silent, staring out of the window as they pondered upon their mortality. How quickly things slipped from their hands, almost as if it’d never been there at all. 

“The last words Eddie said were ‘Evan’ and ‘Christopher.’ He kept calling for you two long after he’d stopped recognizing me.” Bobby’s voice broke the silence. The words were a punch to the solar plexus. Buck felt winded as he leaned out of his chair, tears filling his eyes at the thought of Eddie deliriously calling out for his son.

And for him.

The salt burned his already puffy and sore eyes, but the sting helped Buck ground himself as the world spun. He shoved the words away from him to concentrate on what they were here for. He’d let himself breakdown later.

“This is a time we need to stick together Bobby. Let’s go sit outside now.” Buck stood up to hold a hand out to his captain. He knew that Bobby was thrown back into the time he’d lost his wife and two kids, and the prospect of burying Eddie tomorrow was highly daunting. It was just that little bit harder on Bobby, because he was burying four people, not one.

Bobby took his hand, but before they left, his captain yanked him into the tight hug that Buck had needed all day. Buck reciprocated the embrace as he dropped his forehead on Bobby’s shoulder, shivering in the older man’s grasp.

The two men came back outside and nearly ran smack dab into Michael.

“Oh! I was just coming to fetch you two, we’re going to start discussing the funeral arrangements.” Although he spoke to both of them, Michael’s eyes were stuck on Bobby. Buck smiled, knowing that’s how him and Eddie had been, and patted both of them on the shoulder. Bobby didn’t need Buck right now, he needed his best friend, and that was Michael. 

As they sat down, Christopher’s little body snuggled into Buck’s, who reached an arm around Eddie’s grandmother. 

“Tomorrow, we meet at the church near the cemetery at 10:00, where there’s going to be prayers and eulogies. There are a few soldiers from the convoy Eddie saved in Afghanistan that would like to pay their respects as well. Two of them offered to stand honor guard. Then there’s a badge ceremony where the next of kin receives Eddie’s badges and tags,” Chimney started, his voice clear and strong. Chimney had buried his best friend as well, lost in the line of duty. He was well-versed with the procedures, and if anyone could understand how Buck was feeling exactly, it was Chimney.

“We also need to make sure we put black bands over our uniform badges. It’s the symbol for mourning, and we were supposed to have them on the second we found out. The flag at the 118 is already at half-mast and there’s black bunting there too,” Bobby added, voice hoarse. Buck closed his eyes for a second, imagining their normally-lively firehouse shrouded in grief, mourning, loss.

It didn’t sit right with him.

“After that, we’re to proceed towards the grave site with the casket, where the fire chief will say a few things before we do the last alarm ceremony.” Chimney’s words were distant, as if he were somewhere else. He dropped his head before excusing himself, leaving through the front door with a soft ‘click’. A few minutes later, Maddie got up to follow her boyfriend.

Chimney’s exit made it all the more real. They weren’t just hanging out; they were planning _a goddamn funeral_.

Isabel rested her head on Buck’s shoulder. “My Eddie fought till his last breath, and I am proud of him. May his soul rest in peace.”

Christopher turned his face into Buck’s side, trying not to let anyone see him cry. Buck held him closer as he looked up at the ceiling, swallowing around the rock in his throat. Each breath felt like gravel.

But despite everything, seeing everyone so determined to do Eddie right as he was laid to rest had Buck thinking more and more about Alec’s words. That ember of hope that Alec had ignited in his soul flared a little brighter. 

Together, they would get through this too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? 
> 
> Leave me Kudos and Comments, they are much appreciated!! <3
> 
> I had to research a whole hell lot for the funeral sequences, so I apologize if some of it is out of order!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while to get to, naturally, but it's here!
> 
> There are funeral mentions in this chapter, so please proceed with caution! If that's triggering for you, I would skip the first half-ish of this chapter :)

The day they buried Eddie was a beautiful one.

The birds were chirping, the sun was bright and gleaming and the sky was as blue as blue could be.

By contrast, everything felt cold as Buck knelt in front of Christopher to fasten the tie on the boy’s dress shirt. 

They’d been at Bobby and Athena’s until nearly two in the morning. Christopher had gone home with his family last night - though he hadn’t been happy about it - while Buck had declined Isabel’s offer in favour of going to the park where Eddie and Buck had brought Christopher a multitude of times. 

Buck had sat at the same bench all night, letting the moonlight wash out his skin as he talked aimlessly into the air, imagining Eddie in every breeze that ruffled through his hair. More than once, Buck felt as if Eddie was seated right next to him, shoving him off the bench or throwing an arm around his shoulder to pull him closer.

The ache only got stronger as Buck watched the sun rise over the treetops, the sunlight warming his cool skin. Sleep wasn’t anywhere near him as he drove back to his apartment to get ready.

They were to wear their Class A uniforms with white gloves. Hen had brought the mourning bands after a quick stop at the station, and they’d all slipped them over their badges. As Buck donned the uniform he had never worn for this purpose, his eyes had roamed over his image in the mirror. 

Sunken cheeks, dimmed blue eyes rimmed in red and framed by dark smudges, blond hair slicked back with gel. He looked exhausted, and he felt the part too. There was now a tightness at the edges of his mouth, an ever-present furrow between his eyebrows, making him look stern and aged.

Had he slowly been aging the entire week? It wasn’t as if Buck hadn’t known what Eddie’s diagnosis would do, he just thought he had more time. 

_I won’t make the mistake of thinking that I have time again_ , Buck had thought to himself as he turned away from the mirror to go down the stairs without so much of a glance anywhere else. He had stuffed the gloves into his pocket along with his wallet and keys, and left the apartment.

“Buck?” Christopher’s voice brought him back to his task. His fingers had frozen on the fabric, unyielding. He offered a small smile at the boy before smoothing the knot down. “Thank you, Buck.”

It wasn’t just the tie that Christopher was thanking him for, and Buck knew it. His smile grew slightly bigger in response as his eyes dampened again. “Always, little man.”

He straightened and turned towards Josephine, who had put on a classic black dress. Buck had the feeling that he would hate the colour of mourning for the rest of his life; not when it had taken away his chance for a life with Eddie. Her expression was solemn.

“Is Christopher going with you?” she asked him, finger-combing a loose strand off of Buck’s forehead. His heart clenched at the maternal gesture before he pondered her question. That had been the plan.

Before Buck could answer, Helena’s voice came from behind them, an air of finality surrounding her. “No, Christopher will come with us.”

Ramon was nowhere to be seen. Eddie’s mother looked regal in her black gown as she stared Buck down, expecting him to fight her. 

No, he wouldn’t fight her today. Not on a day that was already at a peak emotional high. It was far too petty, and Buck just...wasn’t. Not when it came to Eddie. 

He just couldn’t believe that Eddie’s parents would fixate on minuscule details that wouldn’t matter at all in the grand scheme of things, instead of the fact that they were about to _bury their_ _son_. Instead, he looked down at Christopher.

Eddie had always trusted Chris to make his own decisions whenever possible, and Buck and Pepa were no different. They respected his drive for independence, and that came with the responsibility to make some decisions. The little man was old enough to decide who he wanted to go with, and he was far more mature than kids his own age. Case in point, the calculating way Chris was looking between the adults in the room.

“I’ll take him, Evan,” Josephine said, not wanting to leave Chris alone with her sister-in-law either. The thought didn’t comfort Buck in the slightest. “You won’t be able to, since you’ll be a pallbearer.”

That was true. Buck didn’t want to leave Christopher alone when he had to go, and his seat would not be in the family row anyway. “That alright with you, little man?”

“I’ll go with my Tía-Abuela. Will you come get me afterwards?” The request was made in a whisper, almost as if Christopher didn’t want anyone else to know.

“Yeah, of course, if that’s what you want,” Buck managed to choke out through the lump in his throat. Christopher trusted him so much and it made Buck’s heart feel three times too big in his chest. “We’re supposed to go to Uncle Bobby’s place tonight, for the will.”

“Do I need to listen to that?”

“If you don’t want to, I’m sure you could tell Bobby. You don’t have to make a decision about that right now.” Buck tried to comfort the tightly-wound boy. He looked at his watch, finding that he’d run late if he stood around and talked anymore. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you there, alright? Stay strong for me, little man.”

Buck wrapped the child in a hug, breathing in his unique scent that reminded him so much of Eddie. Christopher clung slightly to his neck before reluctantly letting him go. Buck bid Isabel and Pepa goodbye, and shot Eddie’s mother a tight but polite smile before leaving.

All he could do was pray that today went without a hitch.

* * *

If anyone asked how Eddie’s funeral went later, Buck would say that he had a beautiful memorial and service.

But in the moment, it was all a blur.

There were only a few things he remembered starkly. Two of those things were the presentation of the badge and the American flag to Eddie’s family.

Christopher had been the one to receive them. Buck had watched as the boy held his head high while he accepted the box with Eddie’s name tag and badge, little shoulders held with pride. He’d felt the same pride burst in his chest, knowing that Eddie deserved every honor he could get. Christopher leaned his weight on one crutch as he stared down into the very thing that had taken his father from him, but yet, he wasn’t looking at it with resentment.

Not like Buck had been.

Bobby had been the one to fold the flag and present it to the Diaz family. Isabel took that in her hands, clutching the triangle of fabric tightly between wrinkled fingers. But her eyes were proud of her grandson as she looked at the smiling photo of Eddie that was perched on the make-shift stage.

The other thing Buck remembered was the last alarm ceremony. They had walked outside the church with the casket that Eddie lay in, back and shoulders ramrod straight in perfect posture. Buck had been right behind one honor guard, Bobby behind the other next to the middle of the casket. Hen’s presence behind him made sure that Buck could manage putting one foot in front of the other. He suspected Chim served the same role to Bobby.

Once they had set the casket down near the grave site, the chief had begun his eulogy.

_“Edmundo Diaz, an army veteran, holder of a Silver Star, was one of the finest firefighters that this department had the pleasure of knowing. He’d been swift, assessing, and worthy of all honor bestowed upon him by this country.” Buck drowned his words out, just staring at Eddie’s photo looking out at him._

_Eddie looked happy in that photo, eyes shining bright and smile subdued. Buck had been there when they’d gotten their official department photos taken. He’d made fun of Eddie when the older man had been in front of the camera and vice versa. Only he knew that the pinch at the corners of Eddie’s mouth were to stop him from laughing out loud. Buck’s photo had the same creases. The photographer had nearly thrown the two of them out of the room after having to take multiple retakes, since they couldn’t stop laughing at each other._

_The memory sliced across him now._

_“And now, I request Mr. Diaz’s fire captain, Captain Robert Nash, and his partner, Firefighter Evan Buckley, to conclude the service with the last alarm ceremony. May he rest in peace and may God bless his soul.”_

_Buck was frozen in his seat. The last alarm hadn’t even been something he’d thought about. He didn’t think he held the strength to ring that bell. Bobby’s hand on his shoulder broke him out of that zone._

_“Let’s go, son,” Bobby said gently, his eyes bloodshot as well. Bobby’s eyes were seeking Buck’s support too._

_It was this thought that had him standing up to walk past those chairs. He caught the expressions of each member of his found family as he walked._

_Christopher locked eyes with him and gave a single head-nod, his eyes pained, knowing how much it was cutting at Buck to be standing up there, vulnerable for all to see. He was leaning heavily on his crutches, determined to stand up to pay his father tribute. May, Harry and Denny had joined him, silently standing behind the young boy, each touching him in some way to ensure that he knew he wasn’t alone. Maddie’s hand was clasped tightly in Athena and Karen’s as she tilted her head encouragingly at her brother. Athena and Karen were giving him small smiles of encouragement too while Michael looked between him and Bobby._

_Over where the pallbearers were sitting, Chim’s face was stony, his mind somewhere far away. Hen stared blankly at the black casket but managed to give Buck a half-smile when he met her eyes._

_Buck took a deep breath. He could do this for Eddie. He’d do anything for Eddie._

_He assumed position near the portable bell, looking across it at Bobby who was crushing the paper in his fist, jaw clenched tightly. His captain took a few seconds to compose himself before speaking the words._

The life of a firefighter is closely associated with the ringing of a bell. 

As he begins his hours of duty; it was the bell that started it off. Through the day and night, each alarm is sounded by a bell, that called him to fight fire and to place his life in jeopardy for the good of his fellow man.

And when the fire is out and the alarm has come to an end, the bell rings three times to signal the end.

And now Edmundo Diaz has completed the task, his duties well done and the bell rings three times in memory of, and, in tribute to, his life and service.

_Bobby called for all the officers in uniform to stand at attention and present arms. Their arms came up sharply to salute Eddie as they waited for the alarm to ring._

_Buck pulled the chain, the gong ringing like a final salute._

_Each bell took Eddie further and further away from him. By the time he rang the third bell, tears were streaming down his cheeks uncontrollably, head bowing as his knees gave out. Bobby was there immediately, tucking Buck’s face against his shoulder and crying right along with him._

_Buck stayed exactly where he was for God knows how long, until the ceremony was over and the scrape of chairs ceased and a little hand was placed on his shoulder._

_Christopher._

_Buck pulled away from his captain to look at the young boy. “Can we go back to your apartment, Buck?” Christopher looked like he was hanging off a thread too, which immediately brought out an instinct in Buck that he couldn’t name, and didn’t want to think about right now._

_“Yeah.” He stood up and hauled his captain up too. The sight of Bobby looking so haggard and unkempt was disconcerting, but all they needed was time. “We’ll come to your house in an hour or two.”_

_Bobby nodded, heading straight for Athena and Michael. Christopher and Buck slowly made their way out of the compound after fielding more hugs and condolences._

_He hated feeling like this but it was suffocating to have everyone reminding him over and over again about the entire ordeal. With his fire family, it was different, because he knew that every single one of them was struggling with Eddie’s loss. With everyone else, Buck knew that the second they stepped out of the cemetery, they would forget who Eddie Diaz was. Many people had been there because all crews of the 118 were mandated to be there._

_Eddie didn’t deserve that._

_He shook off all those thoughts as he saw Eddie’s parents approach them._

_“Come on Christopher.” Helena ignored Buck’s presence completely, holding a hand out to Christopher. The boy shuffled closer to Buck and shook his head._

_“I’m going with Bucky.” He sounded almost...scared?_

_“Christopher, don’t argue with us. Let’s go,” she said sternly. Eddie had never taken that tone with his son, and Buck didn’t see any right of his parents to talk to Christopher like that either. He intervened, not at all in the mood to get into a row with her or Ramon._

_“He’s coming with me. That’s final," Buck said sharply, picking Christopher up and walking off before either of them had the chance to say anything._

_Fastening Christopher into his seat, Buck got into his Jeep and looked back at Ramon and Helena, who were staring at him furiously._

_He shook his head at the couple, disgusted at the behaviour that they were showing at their own son’s funeral._

_“You okay, little man?” Buck looked into the rear-view mirror to see Christopher staring blankly out the opposite window. The box containing Eddie’s badge was resting on the seat next to him, glinting in the sunlight._

_“Yeah. I just didn’t want to be around them.”_

_“Are they mean to you?” Buck held his breath, not knowing what to expect here. Chris shook his head._

_“No, but Daddy never liked leaving me with them like he leaves me with Abuela or Tía-Abuela. I think now I understand why.” The words were far beyond his age. Buck’s heart ached at the sound as he made a K-turn out of the parking lot._

_“Don’t worry, I’ve got you,” Buck promised._

_Come hell or high water, no one was going to tear Christopher from him._

Buck had entered his apartment this morning to a bunch of strewn clothes marking the path from the door all the way up to his loft. He’d stared blankly at the uniform that was haphazardly thrown over his living room floor, from the first day Eddie had been admitted. 

He'd thrown the entire thing unsparingly as he'd hastily stripped down on his way upstairs - uniform shirt at the entrance along with his shoes, LAFD undershirt somewhere in the dining room. His pants had been at the base of the stairs as he showered and brushed as quick as he could to get back to Eddie as soon as humanly possible. 

Now, he picked the button-down shirt up, brushing a finger over the dark streaks and blotches on the blue fabric. Eddie’s blood was still imprinted on the fabric. The ache that had settled in Buck’s chest only worsened, but he didn’t cry. This time, he wasn’t sure he _could_ cry. Buck quickly folded the shirt and stuffed it deep in a random closet, not wanting Christopher to catch sight of it.

Christopher made a beeline to the couch, and simply sat there silently as Buck stripped out of his stifling Class A uniform in favour of simple jeans and a T-shirt. The box with Eddie’s badges now rested on the coffee table, shining brightly with the reflection of the afternoon sun. It was a cathartic image.

The two had spent the car ride in absolute silence, each to their own thoughts. They were all supposed to go to Bobby’s but by the looks on everyone’s faces after the last alarm ceremony, not a single person was mentally ready to hear Eddie’s will at that moment. 

Buck filled two glasses with water and brought them over, setting them down on the coffee table. He nudged Christopher lightly, gaining his attention.

“Talk to me, bud. What are you thinking about?” Buck’s heart _hurt_ at how small Christopher looked, cushioned against all the pillows as he stared blankly at the TV.

“Daddy,” the child admitted.

“What about him?” 

“In the hospital, he fought so hard to come back to me. He never wanted to leave me, Buck. He didn’t want to leave you. Then why was he taken away?”

Christopher was staring at him like he had all the answers in the universe, but this was something he had not a single reply for. He’d spent all last night wondering the exact same thing.

“I don’t know, Chris,” Buck settled on, after opening and closing his mouth a few times. He couldn’t lie to him, didn’t know _how_ to lie to him. “Death is a part of life, it’s not pretty, but it’s true. I don’t know why Eddie was taken from us so soon.” 

It wasn’t the best explanation, but it was all Buck could come up with. He watched as Christopher’s tiny face twisted in anger, eyes glaring over the red rim of his glasses. “It’s not fair!” 

If he’d been holding the glass, Buck was sure he would’ve thrown it. He was taken aback by how loud Christopher had shouted but not surprised. Anger was a stage of grief too, and Buck himself could feel the fire of it burning deep in his chest. It was Chris that was holding him back from punching a hole clean through his wall or just plain trashing the entire place.

It really wasn't fair, the hand that this boy had been dealt. By the age of ten, he'd lost both his parents and there was a horizon of uncertainty about the future waiting for him. And as much as Chris tried so hard not to complain about his disability, he got frustrated from time to time with it. Yet, his optimism never diminished; Buck never wanted to live in a world where Christopher's drive for independence snuffed out.

“Can I hold you, sweetheart?” Buck approached gently after a few moments, wanting to wipe the tears off of the boy’s cheeks but not wanting to trigger him. Christopher nodded solemnly, lower lip trembling. Immediately, Buck scooted closer to the boy and hugged him.

If Buck thought yesterday was bad, this was a nightmare.

Christopher broke apart completely in Buck’s arms, shattering into so many pieces that Buck didn’t know where to begin to put him together. Today, he tugged and kicked and punched and screamed for his father, crying all the while. Buck held him tightly the entire time, not brandishing his hold even with a stray limb to the side or a particularly painful tug. His empty apartment echoed with the sounds of Christopher's cries, and Buck knew that for the rest of the time he lived in this space, he would hear them.

Once Christopher quieted down, Buck rocked him back and forth, just as he’d done yesterday. He pulled his sleeve over his hand to wipe at Chris’ cheeks and nose. The boy’s bawling tore his heart to pieces, leading to tears glistening in his eyes right alongside the boy. Once Christopher’s sobbing calmed down to a few sniffles, Buck started talking.

“Just because someone dies, doesn’t mean they’ve left you Chris. Your daddy will always be with us.” Buck gave the child a watery smile as Chris pulled back to look at him. He patted his own heart. “I can feel your daddy right here, living life right along with me. Can you?” 

Chris experimentally put his hand on his heart, brow creasing in concentration. “Yeah, yeah I think so.”

“What do you think Eddie would say if he saw us right now?” Buck asked, hoping like hell that he was doing this right. He was navigating unknown seas here, without anything to guide him or bring him back.

“He’d tell us to be strong,” Chris nodded, resolve settling over him.

“And right now, I can hear your dad yelling at me for making his son cry,” Buck teased lightly, voice still soft. That got Chris to crack a smile. “Do you see what I mean? We can’t bring Eddie back, we can't change anything but we can keep him alive in our hearts. It’s completely okay to be angry or sad, and I want you to talk to me about it. But I also want you to remember that we’re all here for you. Always.”

The two fell silent after that, Buck urging Christopher to drink some water. After both of them drained their glasses, he tried to have Chris eat a sandwich. He managed half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before pushing it away.

Buck was just relieved that he’d managed to get some food in the kid, so he stayed quiet. “Do you want to change?”

Christopher nodded. Buck climbed to the loft to pull out Christopher’s clothes and brought them back down to him. As Christopher shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, Buck whirled around to face the faucet, gripping the steel edge of the sink tightly as his head dropped and his false sense of composure fell away. His knuckles hurt with force he was holding onto it.

He took a deep breath, and looked at the photo of him, Eddie and Christopher mounted on the wall right next to the kitchen window. For a split moment, he wanted to shatter the glass frame completely and rip it off the wall.

“Show me how to do right by your son, Eds,” Buck whispered to Eddie’s grinning image. Steel resolve settled over him as the fear of losing Christopher to Eddie’s parents crawled into his heart. He wouldn’t let Chris go back to Texas. He didn’t know what he would do, but he’d try to convince Isabel or Pepa. Anyone that would make sure Chris would stay here.

He grabbed his keys off the counter and put his wallet in his pocket while he waited for Christopher. He didn’t want to eat but his growling stomach told a different story. The remaining sandwich felt like sand in his mouth and lead in his stomach, but at least he’d also eaten something.

Chris came out of the bathroom dressed in a T-shirt and shorts. “The other clothes are in the hamper.”

Buck nodded and ushered him outside. “Let’s get going then.”

* * *

The Grant-Nash household was just as bleak as it had been the day before, if not even more so. The silhouettes of mourning clung to the house, burrowing within the bricks and sticking to the edges. As Buck helped Christopher down from the Jeep, he took stock of the cars waiting outside. 

There was Chim’s, so Maddie probably was here. Karen’s car was there, so the Wilson’s were there. Isabel’s car was there alongside a car that Buck recognized as Ramon’s. A few unfamiliar vehicles were also parked in the same vicinity. 

They came inside to see everyone chattering away. It was louder than it had been yesterday, but not in the lively way. Just in the way that it would be when there would be so many people in one place at one time. 

Josh was standing with Maddie, and gave Buck a cursory nod of acknowledgement. So was Lena from the 136, her stern face even sterner as she spoke quietly with Hen. Karen and Athena were bringing chairs in while Isabel was setting out refreshments. Josephine, Michael and Bobby were in the midst of opening an envelope, no doubt containing Eddie’s will.

There were four unfamiliar faces sitting with Ramon and Helena, who Buck discerned to be Eddie’s sisters and their husbands. He’d seen them briefly at the funeral, a hazy memory even though it’d only been two hours ago.

“The two people sitting on the right are Tía Sophia and Tío Julio. They have one daughter, Silvia. The two on the left are Tío Rami and Tía Adriana. They’re Daddy’s sisters,” Christopher whispered to him.

Buck whispered right back. “Do you want to go sit with them?”

“Yeah I will. They’re nice.” Christopher patted Buck’s hip before making his way to Adriana. She hugged Chris close to her almost immediately, and Buck could see that she really did care for him. Sophia came over too, fussing over him. Seemingly appeased, he joined Maddie and Josh. His sister turned to give him a strong hug.

“Hey, how are you doing?” she asked. Buck gave her a tight-lipped smile, nodding his head.

“I’ll get there. Hey Josh, how’s it going?” The two men exchanged pleasantries and started up a conversation.

“Where’s Chim?” he asked, not having spotted the man anywhere.

“Behind you.” His voice popped up as if on cue, just as he came over with a bottle of water for Buck. Buck thanked him as he observed the older man. Chimney’s gaze was understanding but haunted. As the two men stepped aside together, Buck couldn’t help but ask.

“All this remind you of Kevin?” Perhaps it was unfair of him to bring it up right in the middle of another storm, but Buck wanted to make sure his friend was okay.

“Not this part. I had been the one to ring the bell at Kevin’s last alarm ceremony, so that was definitely hard to see, and the fact that I was experiencing it again for Eddie made it worse. The turnout of people here makes me feel a lot better though, I’m hanging on in there. Honestly, we didn’t have this much support when Kevin died. It was just me and his parents, and after Kevin died, I didn’t know if I had a place with them.”

“But then his mom showed up at my door, and made sure that I did know. She said, in not so many words as actions, that I was part of their family regardless of Kevin being there or not,” Chimney said, his voice meaningful. Buck stayed silent, finding that familiar as his gaze landed on Pepa and Abuela. He mused that that had been Chimney’s intention with bringing it up.

“I was actually remembering Shannon.” The smaller man pushed a hand through his hair, taking a long sip of his water. “I stopped Eddie from climbing straight into the truck, because I knew that once we intubated her, she was as good as gone. As a medic, Eddie knew that but he didn’t want to accept it. But when he did...The look on his face then, it was part of my nightmares for months.

“I saw that same look on your face today.” Chim finally looked up at Buck. His tongue was heavy in his mouth as he looked at the older man. “It was the look of a man who knew that there was nothing else he could do, who’d accepted that this person is gone.”

“It was all a blur to me, Chim. I don’t remember so many parts of the funeral.” Buck looked away, tears burning the back of his eyes. “It didn’t sink in that Eddie was truly gone until that third bell, and after that, I just lost it. Christopher asked me today why Eddie left, and fuck, I didn’t have a single thing to say to him.”

“You clearly did, Buck. He looks a lot lighter than he did two hours ago.” The older man tipped his bottle in the boy’s direction, where he was smiling with his aunt. “Give yourself some credit, because right now, you’re the only thing that’s keeping him afloat.”

Buck gave a little half-smile but stayed silent. Briefly at the back of his mind, he thought that his intention had been to comfort Chimney, but the man had ended up easing his heart instead.

* * *

After it was just the 118 and their kids, and the Diaz family, Bobby stood up and cleared his throat. His face was gaunt as he held yet another packet of papers in his hand.

“I think we can get started on reading Eddie’s will. He named me as executor of the will and Athena and I had been the witnesses to sign this off to the notary. If there’s anyone who would not like to hear this, you are free to wait outside until we’re finished.” 

Buck looked sneakily at Christopher, who looked to be warring with himself. He was still seated with his aunt, but his eyes searched the rest of the room until they landed on Buck. 

He stood up slowly, but instead of leaving, he came to where Buck was sitting and crawled up onto him, tucking his little face into Buck’s neck. Buck was surprised but steadied the boy on his lap anyway.

Christopher had always been a tactile kid; he liked hugs and cuddles, but this was a desperate sort of touch. He didn’t usually seek comfort like this, and even though Buck knew that everyone did things differently when they were mourning, he was worried.

The silence stretched thin at Chris’ movement. He could feel Eddie’s parents’ stare burning into them, but when he risked a glance at where they were sitting, he was surprised to find Adriana and Sophia with contented looks instead of Ramon and Helena’s resented ones.

That was surprising. But then Bobby shifted the attention back to where he was standing by clearing his throat. The small side table behind him caught Buck’s eye, who narrowed his eyes in concentration. There was a stack of envelopes there.

Multi-colored envelopes Buck clearly remembered buying for Eddie.

His heart began beating a little faster as his mind raced with possibilities but Bobby started reading out from the sheet in his hand, and Buck shoved it to the back of his mind.

“I, Edmundo Diaz, being of sound and competent mind, declare this document to be my last will and testament (hereafter referred to as so). I further declare that no undue influences have impacted the creation of this document.”

“At the time of this Last Will and Testament, I am unmarried and I have one child, Christopher Diaz, born May 6, 2011.” The boy in question jerked in Buck’s arms, but otherwise remained still, quietly listening to Bobby’s calm voice.

Bobby went over the executor appointments, where Eddie had listed Robert Nash to be the primary executor, and Athena Grant-Nash to be the executor should Bobby not be able to. 

“In the event that I am the sole parent or legal guardian of my minor children at the time of my death, then I hereby nominate…” It was when Bobby started reading the part about guardianship that he took a pause. His eyes lifted from the paper in his hand to stare at Buck worriedly, before throwing a cursory glance at Eddie's parents. Buck raised an eyebrow, confused at Cap’s reaction.

“Read it, Bobby.” He needed to know this. He needed to know who to beg to let Christopher stay here.

Bobby started reading again, his voice gone lower in pitch as the paper trembled slightly in his hand. “In the event that I am the sole parent or legal guardian of my minor children at the time of my death, then I hereby nominate and appoint Evan Buckley, as legal guardian of my children, should they be willing.” 

Buck stopped hearing everything after that. He didn’t know what he was feeling right now.

He closed his eyes and tried to sort through the muddled threads of emotion knotted tightly in his chest. There was now the heavy weight of relief setting upon him, tears springing to his eyes with emotion at how much his best friend really had trusted him. There was the sting of grief, the wisp of longing. There was a happiness at being entrusted with Christopher, but there was also a sharp fear; would Buck be cut out to be as great of a parent as Eddie was?

He remembered that particular conversation vividly now, a faraway memory that he hadn’t thought to make a connection to.

_“Hey, Buck?” Eddie asked, leaning a hip against the counter as he dried off the dishes. Buck hummed as he lathered up a plate._

_“What’s up?”_

_“Would you-” Eddie seemed to be struggling with the words. Buck put down the plate and turned off the faucet, turning to face his friend._

_“What’s wrong, Eddie? Why are you so hesitant?” It wasn’t like the normally confident man to be so held back in anything that he had to say. And especially to Buck. They were way past the embarrassment stage of their friendship._

_“If something were to happen to me, would you ever consider adopting Christopher? Or becoming his legal guardian?” The words came out in a rush, but Eddie locked eyes with him as he searched for an answer in Buck’s expression._

_“In a heartbeat,” Buck answered immediately. “You don’t even need to say anything, Eds.”_

_Eddie twisted the towel in his grasp, looking relieved. “It was something I was thinking about for a while, to ask you about. For a single dad who risks his life all the time, it’s difficult walking out the door knowing there’s a chance you may never come back. If something were to happen to me, I want to make sure that my son is taken care of in the best way possible. And after myself, there isn’t anyone else I trust.”_

_The words were meaningful, but they made Buck’s heart hurt with the very thought._

_He took a light-hearted approach to diffuse the tension that had tightened Eddie’s shoulders. “You know I love that kid like he’s my own. Don’t worry about it. And nothing is going to happen to you, asshole.” Buck smacked Eddie upside the head, glaring at his best friend for making him fear for his safety._

_Eddie glared right back when he realized that Buck had soap on his hands, which was now in his hair. “Look, I can’t just assume that you’d be willing to take the responsibility on. And hands off the merchandise!”_

_Buck scoffed and turned the faucet back on. “Calm down, GI.”_

_He thought over Eddie’s words. He understood why Eddie would think that becoming a legal guardian meant a very large responsibility, and to some people, even a burden. He just couldn’t understand why_ he _wasn’t freaking out about it._

_Buck let his voice take on a serious tone, so Eddie would know he was one-hundred percent serious. “I’ve got your back.”_

“Should the aforementioned individual be unavailable, unable or unwilling to serve as legal guardian when needed, then I nominate and appoint Isabel Diaz as the alternate legal guardian of my children.”

Buck mentally came back to the room to find that Christopher had straightened up in his lap, and was looking at him steadily but worriedly. Much like his father had when he’d asked Buck about it, except this time, the eyes were gray instead of hazel. During that conversation with Eddie, Buck remembered feeling a distinct crack in his chest at the mere thought of living a life without Eddie. Now, it was his reality. Their reality.

But no matter what, this couldn’t only be Buck’s decision. Christopher needed to have a say, because ultimately, seeking comfort from someone and accepting them as a guardian were two very different things.

“Keep reading.” Buck’s voice was faint as he and Chris looked at each other, wanting everyone else to disappear so they would stop _staring_ at them. It seemed like a private moment they were intruding on. There was a heartbeat of silence before Bobby continued to talk about divisions of assets and property. 

Buck could see the gears turning over in Chris’ head as his little mind tried to grasp the gravity of the situation. No doubt Chris wasn’t aware of the formalities or the legal terms, but seeing everyone’s heads whip towards them clued him in immediately. 

The two of them sat in silence, Chris returning to his original position where he was hidden in Buck’s shoulder. Buck took the opportunity to skim the room as he smoothed a hand down the bumps of Christopher’s spine. As Bobby spoke, there were precursory glances thrown Buck and Christopher’s way, some heated glares, others with shock and what looked like pride. 

Eddie had left pretty much everything he had to Christopher. There was no need to divide it between anyone. Having named Buck as the legal guardian, he would also be adviser of all financial assets that were now under Christopher’s name, seeing that he was a minor.

As Bobby finished reading, there was a heartbeat of silence before Helena turned to look at where Buck and Christopher were curled into each other.

“I will not let him take the last piece of my Eddie that I have left. Christopher will come back to El Paso with us,” Helena announced.

A tremble went through Christopher's body in shock but didn’t say anything. Buck tightened his grip as his expression grew dark. Adriana and Sophia looked at their parents sharply while Isabel got to her feet, a glare clear on her face.

“Helena, have some shame. Your son hasn’t even been in the ground for 24 hours, and you’re stirring the pot already.” she rebuked her daughter-in-law.

It took Buck a second to realize that Chris was still shaking, lips mouthing “please” over and over again. 

Immediately, Buck stood up and readjusted Chris in his arms. His jaw was clenched tight from the anger coursing through him, but he made sure not to accidentally crush the boy. 

He wasn’t about to listen to this. He needed to get the two of them out of here; Eddie's parents insisting on pushing their agenda onto a boy that had lost his last parent was making him sick to his stomach. And to think that that parent was their own son.

Athena gestured him into Harry’s room, and shut the door behind the two of them, a withering glare stuck on her face as the argument rose in volume.

Settling Chris down on the bed, Buck knelt in front of him, taking small hands in his larger ones.

The boy’s face was wet, eyes puffy. Somehow, he refused to meet Buck’s gaze. Buck closed his eyes, exhaling slowly before opening them.

“Chris,” he prompted gently. “Can you look at me, please?”

Slowly, gray eyes lifted to meet his blue ones, the conflict clear in them. “I know this is difficult, and I know this is a rough time. I’m so sorry, my love.”

“It’s not your fault,” Chris croaked, slipping one hand free to scrub his face in the way little kids do.

“What do you think about Eddie’s will?” Buck didn’t know how else to put the words. How do you even ask a kid that? 

“I don’t want to go to Texas.” Chris’ voice broke before the floodgates opened, tears flowing freely. “Buck, I don’t want to go anywhere.”

He sat on the corner of the bed and held his arms out to the boy, letting him cry against his chest.

“If you don’t want to go, I won’t let you go. Do you trust that?” he said in a low voice as the kid’s sobs tapered down to a few sniffs. Chris nodded into his shirt, which was definitely soaked in tears and snot. 

“What does legal guardian mean? What does all of this mean?” Chris whispered. Buck stayed silent for a while, mulling over how to answer the question in the simplest way possible.

“In our case, it’s when parents have someone else make decisions about their children when they’re not able to. Your dad made a will to protect you if something happened to him. What it means is that if we decide to go through with this, either I or your Abuela would have full legal and physical custody of you, depending on what you want.”

“Do you want that?” Buck was taken aback by Chris’ question, especially the insecurity in the words. He pulled the kid away from him to look him in the eye.

“I will always want you, Christopher. Even before your dad named me in his will, I was prepared to fight for you to stay with me forever. But this isn’t about me. Is this something you want, something you’re comfortable with? Do you want me to become your legal guardian?”

His heart stopped as Christopher slowly shook his head. Immediately, he assumed the worst, and lost in his head as he was, he didn't hear anything but the ringing in his ears.

"...I still don't know what that means." Buck forced himself to pay attention. The distress was clear as Chris got more upset. He shook his head, pressing down slightly wherever his hands were to ground him.

"It means that we live together, go to school or work together, go to appointments together, all of that. Basically, I'm authorized to make decisions about your welfare until you turn eighteen."

"Does that mean I'll stay here?" Chris gestured to the room as his head bobbed in understanding.

"Yeah, you'll stay in LA."

His initial panic lifted off of him at Christopher’s immediate nod, replaced with relief. “Yes. I want to stay with you forever. And Abuela and Pepa are here too. And I can't leave Daddy. I don’t want to leave you guys, ever.”

Buck blinked tears away before giving Christopher a wide smile, the first sign of light he'd seen in days. “Then that’s what we do. From now on, it’s you and me, bud.” 

Christopher reached up to link his arms around Buck’s neck. “Thank you, Buck. I love you.”

As his hollow chest filled with warmth, Buck and Christopher clung to each other like a lifeline, Buck thanking Eddie over and over in his head for this gift.

There were a thousand things to be done just for the court to finalize the guardianship, a thousand different things he'd have to do but knowing that he and Christopher were on the same page? That they wanted the same thing as Eddie had wished?

It gave him hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear lord, I tried so hard to work out the legal details and the will. If there are any family lawyers here...feel free to DM me on tumblr @zeethebooknerd so I don't accidentally do something wrong xD
> 
> How was this chapter?
> 
> Leave me Kudos and Comments! <3 Love you guys for being so patient!

**Author's Note:**

> Well, how was it? 
> 
> I personally apologize if I made anyone cry :( I know that I cried the entire time xD
> 
> Leave me Kudos and Comments! You can find me on Tumblr at [zeethebooknerd](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd) or on Twitter at [tkreyesevandiaz](https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz).


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